IS IT A FULL MOON

I haven't had the energy to write..
Ju Ju has been upfront lately..
being the depressive she is..
leaves me feeling very lethargic...
 and wanting to sleep a lot..
 I have little or no energy....




we saw P but kept it very light ...
since she is away for a few days at a conference..
a very cool conference..
it is about Medical Hypnosis...
I am excited to see what she learns..
and I will be an eager guinea pig..

I have seen a difference with P being away this time....
though the abandonment stuff is still there...
I hear all the negative stuff inside...
yet it is not consuming me.....

that is truly Big for me...
I still have contact with her..
and I KNOW she will be back....

When Ju Ju is around...I notice such a difference...
my energy is zapped...I want to sleep all the time....
my appetite is gone...the suicide ideation peaks..
and I want root beer....
(being a diabetic, root beer isn't a good thing)
and coffee doesn't taste so good...

I don't know why she is here..
obviously there is a trigger somewhere..
I just don't know what it is..
and I don't know how to figure that out..
some of the others I have a good awareness of..
but I don't have that with Ju Ju...

It's times like this I wish I could go to the beach and bring myself out safely....
I can get there on my own but I can't get out...
I'm wanting the rest...
the rest I don't experience here...
I have to get through the tunnel on the beach...

Sam is restless..but I don't know why...
maybe she knows P is away..
I'm not sure....
Bongo is quiet...
Is it a full moon out?

Together ... I love you



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WHAT DO YOU SEE

So we went to the beach Friday....
so P could talk to Ju Ju....
she is creating havoc in and outside..
I wanted to know why..
I have no memory of anything that was said....
I just don't have enough awareness of Ju Ju ..
like I do some of the others...




I do remember Sam being there and she was able to touch P's face...
I think that was a positive thing for her..
Sam doesn't allow me to embrace her...
but she does allow me to take her hand....

P also allowed me a picture of her eyes...
eyes to me are important....
especially hers ...
which say unconditional love




I don't have much to say today since I am not feeling so good physically..
but remember I wrote about Sand play....
which P insists is not play ...
it's "Therapy"...whatever LOLOL
anyway here are the pictures of my sand "therapy"
(the other figures are buried beneath the sand)

Why not tell me if you see or feel anything...

Together...I love you..

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THIS MOMENT

THIS MOMENT

A single photo

No words

capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remeadopted from    SouleMama   which was introduced to me by SJ  If you find yourself touched by a Moment and would like to participate, post your picture on a Friday and leave your link in the comments section.

UNLOCKING THE DOOR

So while P was bouncin around....
I went into Sam's folder and took at the ones...
 she's been showing me in the night..
the ones that have been creating nightmares...
I saw them all.. felt nothing.....
but Sam was there nudging me...
showing me each particular one she wanted out...
P wanted me to talk about them..
but I was still not able too... So I asked to go to the beach....
once there I was able to talk a bit about them.....
but feeling tears ..
I held them back..
I was having incredible body memories...
I did not know if it was Sam or I feeling it...
I remember my chest becoming very heavy...
as our abuser laid on top of us...
I could feel the pokes and prods of the tools he used...
and the green toolbox that sat in the corner..
Sam talked to p a bit and asked her if she was our mother...
she has not yet been able to touch P's face...

Sam wanted to lay her head on P's shoulder but was not able too...
at some point last week P had said she was going to search for more answers..
and it spurred an email that I sent to her..
I would like to share it here...

To P:

you know when you are young.. you are threatened not to speak.. not to cry not to breathe...

for if you do something bad will happen ..like your mommy will be dead...

so you learn.. you put your thumb in your mouth ..you rock and you rock..and deal with the pain in silence...

hence I understand where Jen came from....

also Sam..

no clue about Lil bits

then you spend your life pretending to be someone you're not..bubbly... funny..life of the party...

hence Bongo..

you spend many years after seeking therapists to unlock your door.. because you know something is very wrong.. 

you are not like other people...

but there is something buried deep in your mind..that says.. don't let them know .. don't let them see...

there is no one ever you can trust with your secrets...just shut up...

and you go on and on.. therapist to therapist..wishing that door to be unlocked..

 looking for relief...

but fear keeps the door locked...

then after many years you trust someone.. you don't know why.. but the secret inside is eating you alive..

so you test the waters .. slowly.. it takes a long time... 7 years of a long time..

and finally you speak the secret.. you let the tears fall.....and whammm you're stuck...

you finally get to a place where you release everything in you... 

it doesn't matter..

your stuck...

not by choice.. not because you choose to stay stuck.. not because you are avoiding or distracting...

but because he left......

during those years even without speaking the words.. there were many flashbacks..

 many nightmares..much flooding..

only we dealt with it different.. we couldn't let anyone see inside ......

 so we starved.. we purged.. we stayed numb with drugs.. 

we cut and cut deep...we attempted to take our own life....

there is nothing different now.. we just DO it different..

 we don't purge.. we don't cut..

and we trust.. we speak the words...we cry many tears.....

but we trust.....

we are not stuck because of our choosing...we are not staying stuck..

we just need to learn to live through each horrific baby step..

one by one.....

no more searching for answers..they are already here...

Together we unlock the door...

Together..I love you

Good touch

Safe touch

gentle touch

Together .... I love you

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REJECTION / NELIETA..REAL LIFE SERIES

This is  a series of  guest posts ......it's about real struggle..real life...real pain...and getting through to the other side....thank you to all my guests for helping me find my voice....this post is from a  friend 

Nelieta Mishchenko..

Nelita has an awesome travel blog unlike others I have seen .. you can follow her adventures here: 

http://nelmitravel.com/

Today Nelieta has shared her personal story...I am honored to share it with you here at BONGO IS ME..Please show Nelieta the love and encouragement you have to me.....

Here goes!

"I really wish I was less of a thinking man and more of a fool not afraid of rejection. "


Billy Joel 

Rejection - My cross and my burden. It started before my birth when my mother jumped from a moving truck to abort me. I guess, I was meant to be, because I am still here today. I don`t blame her anymore. I have a better understanding of what her life must have been like especially now that I am older. She got the short end of the stick at the tender age of 17. She told me once that I took everything away from her. I took away her youth.

She re-married and my stepfather became my Dad. I always had a good relationship with him. Things were different with my mom. Over the years our relationship deteriorated. Rejection turned me into an overachiever. I pushed myself harder and harder. I studied after hours, worked and climbed the corporate ladder until I got to the top at the age of 35. She never shared in my success. I never let her. Success wasn`t sweet as I thought it would be. I shared everything with my late grandmother. Over the years she fulfilled the role of my mother. 

In return my mother blamed my grandmother for turning me against her. She broke all contact with her Mom. Several times my grandmother tried to patch things up with her but she refused. Told her it was too late. My grandmother passed away a couple of years later. They never saw each other again. 2 years later my Mom died. She was 53 - we hadn`t spoken in 5 years. 


Today I understand that she suffered from severe depression. She never went for therapy because she believed nothing was wrong with her. She lost it completely when my younger brother died in a car crash. I was happy to learn that a couple of months before she passed, she found God. She died in peace but sadly, we never found each other.

Now I am a mother of two beautiful teenage girls. It`s been two years since I have last had a decent conversation with them. One that isn`t filled with accusations and threats. I miss them so much. I re-married in 2007 and moved to a new country. They didn`t want to move with me. They decided to stay with their father. At the time it sounded like a good idea. I was without a stable home, in the process of building a house and setting up a business. The language was new and they decided to stay in their comfort zone.

Time went by and I couldn`t help with school fees or the things that they needed. Money was tight, very tight. The accusations came and the constant threats from their father. Telling me how bad I was. It never stopped. I cried every day. Only now I realize how vindictive a materialistic ex-husband can be. They blocked me on Facebook, cut me from their lives and they stopped calling.

Mother`s day. I have the phone in my pocket. I wait for a message - Nothing. My birthday - Nothing. I cry myself to sleep. 

Did my mom also cry when I rejected her? Did she miss me how I miss my girls? I miss them so much it hurts deep inside. Some days I cannot breathe. But life goes on. I always pray the same prayer: Please God, bring them back to me one day. When the time is right. Your time not mine.


My Babygirl is turning 18 tomorrow.

 I will be phoning to congratulate her. When I put the phone down I will go to my quiet place and cry. Cry because I so desperately want to be there and celebrate the day with her. Cry because I wish I could fix things. Cry because there is nothing that I can do but wait and pray. I pray that I will be reunited with my girls in this life. If not then I pray that I will meet them in a place where the word “ Rejection” does not exist. 

A year ago I couldn`t get out of bed. I was depressed and consumed by regret, anger and sadness. I took up Blogging. Blogging and photography have helped me to cope with the pain of rejection. I remember the good and I see the beauty in things around me. The Blogging community became a support system – even if they don`t know it.

To most of you I am just a fellow Blogger but some may know me as Nelieta, the happy girl who likes to travel.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

YOUNG..ALONE...SCARED

I've never gone back and read my own posts...
if I did nothing would get published...
but since I have been struggling lately..
I thought I could go back and maybe find some answers...
unfortunately I haven't...
if anything I end up feeling worse and even triggering myself..


My fear of trauma work is immense..
but my trust in P is also immense...
so I keep goin back...


I believe as p does ..
the only way to cope and heal is to talk about the trauma ...
over and over again...
but how do you keep yourself safe ..
while reliving the pain of the past....


some days and or nights are so bad ..
that I want nothing more then to die...
to end the pain and end this life....


The suicide ideation is always present in my life...
sometimes more present then others..
Suicide Ideation is the thoughts.. not the action..
and man those thoughts are causing havoc...


I also wonder...who is it that is having the thoughts..
DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) complicates everything...


Yesterday I was in such a dark place....
I didn't know who was here at any given moment...
then the internet went down and I felt my lifeline slipping away.... 
I didn't know what to do.. 
I felt little (young) alone and scared...


I don't know who, how or why... 
but we were able to call P for the first time..
I remember crying so hard we couldn't breathe..

but I also remember her voice....
I tried visualizing her eyes (need a picture here P)
I didn't need her words or voice per say..
but I needed her calmness..
I needed the unconditional love I feel from her....
She helped me ground..
by noticing my surroundings....
I clung to Pbb....


Today...I feel beat up...foggy..
I am focusing on P's words....
Good touch...
gentle touch...
safe touch.....


Together...I love you...


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Announcing 'Blogging and Friends' Blog Hop

Recently, I participated in a Blog Hop I truly enjoyed. It gave me the opportunity to meet many new Bloggers, and read new material that I would have otherwise missed. 

This truly inspired me to keep the ball rolling. 

In lieu of this, I am happy to announce That Mary and I will be co hosting a blog Hop beginning  on May 1  and will continue through Midnight (EST)  May 12 , 12012. 

The theme will be "Blogging And Friends". So put your thinking caps on and join in on the fun.

We hope to see you participating, Bringing your experience to the table , so to speak.

The Linky tool will be avaiable on 

http://allergiesandceliac.blogspot.com/

and on

Https://bongoisme.blogspot.com

SAND PLAY...REALLY???????

She moved things off the table.. I knew her intent...
she lifted the lid and there is was sand..
I took out people and buried them in the sand...
 and I took the lady and let her stand on top.....
this is my dream...I dance in heaven....
but dreams don't come true and soon I buried the lady...
to make all things disappear.. all things dead..
Sam wrote her name in the sand.. she likes to do that..
Sand play therapy is bogus to me..
I have researched it at other times and to me is ridiculous..
apparently P believes in it... whatever...

Then it was time for the real beach...
I realized I was anxious..
could feel my heart beating hard...
even my precious beach has become scary to me....
because of what I see.
I took sam's hand and Sam was able to talk with P...
she too is afraid of losing P....
but P assured her that she will be here and her love for her..
as I held her hand and slowly let go ...
I was able to see some of the abuse that Sam had to endure...
her wrists burned ..her ankles hurt from being tied down...
and her chest hurt from the weight of him.....
at that point I went toward the tunnel to get away and rest..
only I was not able too..
I was in the abyss of pain....

I have spoken the words so many times ..
yet it doesn't go away..
P brought me out..there were tears..
and we went to walk around the ...
building for air again..
at one point I felt a switch and Sam ...
once again looked at the road with the cars...
and she wanted to go there..
P would not let us and held on to us tight..

what good is seeing all i'm seeing and feeling ...
and not being able to get the words out???
and why would I want to speak them again..
Sam wants her pictures out again..
She wants me to use my words to tell her stories through her pictures.....
I've already done this with Z but never processed it..
I have done it with P but have never processed it..
so now what.. I am still stuck with it...

The suicide ideation has returned...
the nightmares and flooding intense..
and one again my heart is heavy..
she held us...it was moments of comfort and peace..
her hands so soft and gentle...
her eyes say love....
I love her so much...
but I can't handle the pain inside..
and there is so much more pain ahead of me...

Thank you for your prayers for P and her son... her son has made remarkable progress.. and it is because all your prayers were heard .. thank you again...


Together...I love you



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I DON'T DO DEATH

True to words.. I told P I was gonna write...
and write I will....
.
We talked about a recent suicide I learned about
(RIP Sancheeta Biswas..the pain is over )

and we talked about a family I know with a 4 year old daughter...
who has an aggressive malignant brain tumor...
(praying for you Natalie)

I didn't wanna continue talkin about this..

I DON'T DO DEATH...

I assume P will keep bringing it up..
But I am done with that..
We walked around the building a few times to get some fresh air..
while my mind was swimming
and then we came back and as P said we were going to the beach...
I fought that for a few minutes cause the fear was strangling me...
She gave me time to get there ..
and in a few minutes I was at the beach..
I held sams hand as P held our....
But I was struggling there....
i could not tell P all that I saw and felt and am still feeling...
She didn't let us stay long but in those few minutes I saw a lot..
and eyes started to tear...but I wouldn't allow anymore...
P brought me back from the beach rather quickly....
but I was not able to share anything... I kept it inside...
I am still outta sorts and not completely sure I am totally here...
I was very aware that Sam did not speak to P...
but she spoke to me....
She wants her pictures out...
she wants me to tell her stories through the pictures..

I saw myself on the ceiling looking down ..
and I again saw a little girl being torn apart..
I saw Sam but felt it and still feeling it now as me...
now the nightmares and flashbacks and flooding begin again...
I was too scared even with P to say the words..
which makes me feel worse..
right now I am having a bout with hard crying..
and I wish it to stop..
How do I ever get back to the point where I can say the words..

Tomorrow P wants to play with the sand tray..
she says I will..
I say I won't..
Sam might enjoy it ..
maybe the other younger ones might..
 but I won't..
so soon the pink folder with Sams pictures will come out again..
soon I will be a little deeper in that black hole....

As of last night I took a nose dive down into that hole...

and so it begins again....

Together...I love you...

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WE'RE STUCK

So much to say ....
and so few words I can find..
I saw P today and she did what I had asked of her...that was to...
not let me distract and avoid..
So we were able to touch on some stuff.......
I was still too afraid of the bad stuff..
so tomorrow I see her for 2 hours and she says we're goin to the beach...
the beach is a place that I can rest.....it's also a place where pain is found..

when I go to the beach ..
I take Sam's hand ..

and I can then hear her stories and see through her eyes...
It's at that time that I feel the worst pain...
times before I have held her hand and was able to see her pain....
but now I take her hand and look at her pictures (which are her story) and i as me feel it..
this brings such fear...
I fear seeing and feeling the pain....
I fear falling apart ..not functioning..
but I am stuck.. very stuck...
I'm stuck in memories spoken to Z ....
and I am stuck in a memory of being on the ceiling ...
that was told to P....
and also in a previous post..
I'm still having bouts with crying...
the nightmares and flashbacks are still haunting me...

Waking up on the floor is horrifying to me..
but the fear of saying the words....
of seeing the pictures...
of feeling it is the most terrifying..
But P's right I am stuck...
and I can't move forward ....
without dealing with all this stuff..
I'm gonna have to follow P's lead in all this..
otherwise I will sit with it and shut down...



I have been there before with P..we have gotten there..

I know it's possible to talk...but I can't seem to do it..
So in going to the beach it might help start something..
maybe Sam can help me as she has before....
But in the meantime it is only early Tuesday....
and I am already worried about Wednesday..
I can't waste it...something has to happen..
I just hate the horrible crying..
the suicide Ideation..
body memories and flooding...
but P will hold our hand..and wipe our tears once again..
it's gonna be a long and bumpy road...
Here we go............

Together...I love you

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TEARS FROM FEAR

I have tears today..tears from fear...
today is the day we were supposed to go back to trauma work..
I just couldn't do it..
I wasn't ready....
ready what is ready????
I had some light and some dark this weekend...
Easter is a trigger for me.. Not the church and God stuff...
but the decorations..ester baskets...eggs..flowers..
so Friday I took a nose dive down..





Then I started to receive calls and messages on...
Skype from people that were not on my contact list..
They were horrible messages all related to sex..
It set me off. and i was again triggered and flashed back to when my abuser was stalking me through Facebook ...email and phone...
I was again frozen in fear.. I did email P about it...
but I just couldn't fight it anymore..
so I went away and Bongo was around about 4 hours ..
i needed to hide..
to breathe..to rest..
I couldn't find a way out for a few hours.....
So Bongo stepped up
but I did come back....
So now the plan is to start working tomorrow..
I keep putting it off.....

I fear it...
and honestly I don't know how to start again..
I'll need P to help me with that
I've shared in emails to P what has been goin on..
but I know that is not enough..since I am stuck still on the ceiling...
How the hell do I start talkin about this again....
how do you get the words out.
I'm so comfortable with P ..
I know she's here....
but even knowing that,,
my throat closes up and I feel the heat rise...
and my heart starts to race..
just at the thought.....
so the tears are from fear...
and I know that black hole is just waiting for me to fall

P's son continues to improve.. let me share her status with you:

P (son) continues to improve...there are still some cognitive/behavioral areas that are not where they should be, so we ask continued prayer for healing...but we are so grateful to God for healing thus far.

Please continue to pray for P and her family...and please pray that I have the courage to continue Trauma Therapy......

Together...I love you

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THIS MOMENT

THIS MOMENT

A single photo

No words


Who do you think rides around in this????

capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remeadopted from    SouleMama   which was introduced to me by SJ  If you find yourself touched by a Moment and would like to participate, post your picture on a Friday and leave your link in the comments section.

FINDING BALANCE

I saw P today and was much relieved to see her...
She looked much better then she had these last weeks...
thank fully she was able to get a full nights sleep...
she held me and held my hand ..it was nice to be close to her again....
I had missed her giggle ...but it was back today...
so today was a mish mosh session....
It's good to have those once in awhile....
we talked about her and her son...
we talked about me the good and the bad...
She knows I am stuck in a particular place..and we have plans of unsticking me next Monday..
That gives us time to see how things go at home for her..
and if things are still goin good...
we will dive right on where we left off....
I've decided to write about where I am stuck to see how I handle it...
I know she is available to me just n case I can't handle it on my own..



I had written a post about being on the ceiling watching Sam being torn apart...
since then I have had recurring nightmares about this.. and i have woke up in different places in my home..with no memory of getting out of bed....
I have had flash backs and flooding concurring with this night mare...
I'm assuming this is happening,,,
because I have not been able to talk about it...
so I shut it down ..
no one on the outside see's it not even P...
though P knows of it..
well now it's in the open..I have written as much as I can about it....
the difference in these night mares is ... I bonnie am feeling it as me...
I see that little girl being torn apart as me...
this is new because usually I see it as them..one of my alters...they take it...
not this time.....
I think this is the first parts of healing ..by feeling it for myself....
it's scary and I don't like it..
when the flashbacks and flooding happen I want P..
I'm too scared to look at it myself...
I still have not gotten to the point of calling P..
especially now I'm sure she ges enough calls right now..

I have to find a balance in that
there are tears as I write this because I am still scared about all this..
I'm scared once we dive in I will turn to mush again..i guess it's gotta happen ...
but scares me none the less...
P is going to a conference soon..yes yes she will be away again..but she'll be back...
I wanna go to this place so badly...
but don't know if it's possible...
In the meantime we went to the beach carefully..
I told P I did not want to go to the tunnel...
just wanted to see what's up with Sam...
so I went and there she was..
we took hands and P took our hands in hers...
she talked to Sam and read her the book..
and amazing lil bits came out..and same shared the book with li bits..
this was a first..
and no tears...I believe they missed P as much as I did...
and after that P brought us safely back....
and it was time to go...
P took our hand and prayed..
and I was aware my eyes were closed praying too...
maybe in all this I learned something..
that would be be nice...
please keep praying for P and her family..
and pray for me too..

I'm crying now ...
I'm not sure why maybe relief ..
maybe fear...
hang on the road could get bumpy..






Together... I love you ....

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