I wish I had something positive and uplifting to write...but I don't ..
And I have no idea how to explain what I feel inside or outside...
its a pain beyond pain..
it's unconsolable.....
it lives and it feeds and it grows like a weed....
it changes my thoughts..
it lets me believe that I don't belong this world..
it tells me I don't matter...
it tells me I'm alone and there is no hope...
have you ever been there..
where nothing around you matters..
I'm talking way beyond depression..
way beyond what a pill or therapy can fix....
you just are and you are hanging from a noose alone..
your mind see's nothing clear....you see no reason....
I have P and I'm lucky ...
but even she doesn't have a working magic wand...
though I yearn to be with her..
i yearn for her hugs...
i want her to go away at the same time...
I've been here 100 times before...
and during these times it hurts more then the abuse itself ..
it's a pain there is no drug for...
the noise inside is so loud and i just want to snuff it out...
P asked me to promise that I would not take my own life...
I said I could never promise that to anyone..
never have never will..
promises are too important to me...
and I don't break them...
I miss my boys terrible and the tears keep coming they don't stop..
P had wanted me to come in today ( a saturday) I knew i wasn't going..
what difference would sitting there for an hour make...
none at all...
Bongo pops in now and again to put on that mask...
and make everything look ok...
but me Bonnie looks for ways to die..
it's a good thing i don'town a gun because it would have been used already...
Please talk to me.
as much as she can..
it's the only thing that has held me together before ....
to have that constant voice that cares at the other end of a phone...
some one to be there for me when I can't be there for myself...
I want to move yet i can't..
I just sit here and wait..
yet I don't know what I'm waiting for ...
what am i waiting for ...
Together ..I love you
SOME IMAGES BORROWED FROM GOOGLE
