I've never gone back and read my own posts...if I did nothing would get published...
but since I have been struggling lately..
I thought I could go back and maybe find some answers...
unfortunately I haven't...
if anything I end up feeling worse and even triggering myself..
My fear of trauma work is immense..
but my trust in P is also immense...
so I keep goin back...
I believe as p does ..
the only way to cope and heal is to talk about the trauma ...
over and over again...
but how do you keep yourself safe ..
while reliving the pain of the past....some days and or nights are so bad ..
that I want nothing more then to die...
to end the pain and end this life....
The suicide ideation is always present in my life...
sometimes more present then others..
Suicide Ideation is the thoughts.. not the action..
and man those thoughts are causing havoc...
I also wonder...who is it that is having the thoughts..
DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) complicates everything...
Yesterday I was in such a dark place....
I didn't know who was here at any given moment...
then the internet went down and I felt my lifeline slipping away....
I didn't know what to do..
I felt little (young) alone and scared...
I don't know who, how or why...
but we were able to call P for the first time..
I remember crying so hard we couldn't breathe..
I tried visualizing her eyes (need a picture here P)
I didn't need her words or voice per say..
but I needed her calmness..
I needed the unconditional love I feel from her....
She helped me ground..
by noticing my surroundings....
I clung to Pbb....
Today...I feel beat up...foggy..
I am focusing on P's words....
Good touch...
gentle touch...
safe touch.....
Together...I love you...
SOME IMAGES BORROWED FROM GOOGLE
