Thursday, March 15, 2012

SILENCED ONCE MORE

It's been a really weird couple of weeks....
the emotions are high...
and the tears don't stop....
even with P I am fighting the tears still....
I'm fighting everything....
the words are not coming out of my mouth.....
I'm becoming more and more frustrated and and....
with that comes discouragement......
wanting to give up....

I've gone back to binging and purging .......
for lack of another way to hurt myself.....
the urge to cut and cut deep is becoming stronger.....



the suicide ideation remains at a peak.....
the more I keep quiet the worse everything becomes....

I struggled a great deal with P being away yesterday......
my abandonment issues were roaring....
It felt good to see and feel her hand today...
yet I held back anyway....
thoughts ....
feelings just couldn't be shared....
I was un comfortable today...
which is probably why.....
 I was able to leave the parking lot today......

I feel like I'm losing.....
that my ship is sinking....
I have all these voices screaming in my head.....
and I have 9 year old Sam profoundly sad...
she is constantly pulling at me....
and is coming up front more and more.....
she's ready to talk about her stories...
I think she can tell P....

but me ...
I'm scared to death.....
to talk about Sam's stories ...
her abuse.....
means me hearing and feeling everything......
it means to hurt..
and hurt in a big way..
I'm going to need pushing and coddling at the same time......
I'm gonna have to have P very close to me.....
feel her touch....
and believe she won't leave me stuck....


I understand it....
but I don't know how to do it.......
I'm counting on P for that....
I need her in a big way.....
I'm scared......
really scared......

As always......

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