like friday...
and then there are days like yesterday and today...
when the darkness returns and I again am looking for an escape..
Yesterday I had the opportunity to see Z again..
and though I always look forward to seeing him..
my thoughts and feelings again get very mixed up....
Sam and I both walked into the building..
the only one to know that would be me..
no one else would ever notice...
as we walked in there was a heavy fog around us....
and our belly was doin flips.....
I stood and held up the wall a few minutes....
before he noticed I was there...
we had to hold back the tears.....
We had a chance to chat with L...
Z's wife for a few..
and we got a hug from her too..
she gives the warmest hugs..
after hugging Z 4 times (not that I was counting) ...
and hearing him say ...
As always...Hang in....
we left with really confusing feelings and thoughts...
Then there is today...
we overslept never heard our alarm....
and we missed our appt with P...
this has only happened once before....
but now I sit here beating myself up....
with tears that won't stop.....
we are taking so many meds...
with new ones introduced...
that we are sent into a deep sleep....
and we hear nothing.....
I feel bad too for Sam..
she was looking for P yesterday and I promised her we would see P today...
but I screwed up...how do you explain this to a 9 year old......
and I might never know why Sam wanted to talk to P.....
so today is a sad day...
we aren't liking ourselves..
and hear negative things in our head.....
we just wanna take more drugs and sleep this away..
just sleep it away...
As always......
