back in the saddle again....
only I don't want to be riding again.....
I'd rather avoid the ride...
we took a reprieve from the trauma stuff...
to get the public aide stuff taken care of.....
during that time I still had high suicide Ideation..
but the flashbacks and flooding were less....
I didn't have to face anything about my past.....
and I would like to keep it that way forever...
but Friday when I saw P....
I went to the beach...
and I held Sam's hand......
Sam can see everything..and in holding her hand I can see......
she doesn't understand...
that I don't wanna see and I don't wanna feel.....
I have always had sams pictures and stories in my head since I was very young...
but it was like a movie playing in my head..
it was someone else not me.......but Sam wants me to see .....
listen to her stories and feel it....
so over the weekend I flooded... ..had flashbacks..
and felt very clingy on P....
finally by Sunday things were calming down and I was able to distract.....
when I told P about it she said Monday we go back to processing...
I;m not sure what that really means ..
but I had an agenda for monday....
avoid as much as possible and try and talk with Sam at the beach again.....
so i was successful i avoided processing...
and took a trip to the beach.......
Sam was waiting for me at the bottom of the stairs....
and had her hand out waiting for me........
I was not allowed to go to my tunnel.....
she spoke words about it......
by time i left p's office and got in the car i was lost....
sam was talking at me and showed me where in her folder these pictures were.....
in looking at the pictures I felt my wrists burning.....
my ankles hurting and pain in my private parts......
I was having intense body memories.....
so right there in the car in the parking lot I went away,,,,
I didn't come back or realize the time till P came out to check on us...
i was still holding sams pictures and my car was running..
it had been an hour....
what is this processing stufff????????talking about it over and over again..
what good does that do..
what happens when i listen to sam..
what happens when i feel it so intensely that i want to die?
Sam says I need to hear and see...
I need to feel it to be one with her.....
well I don't wanna feel it...
so I have been triggered today...
and I'm writing fast to get it out before I can't..
before I go back in the black hole....
and the suicidal thoughts take over..
it bothers me a lot that on Saturday I wanted to call P
...we were struggling ..
and I just couldn't do it...
and I wonder how bad it has to get before I will ask for help...or will I just wait till it too late and I take my own life...
will it be too late.....
As always...
SOME IMAGES BORROWED FOM GOOGLE
