Sunday, February 26, 2012

PLEASE DON'T JUDGE ME

I feel i'll be judged with this post...
I mean how can someone have a smiling laughing moment...
and then dive down into such darkness.....
well this is how this Disorder (Dissociative Identity Disorder) works...
I never know from day to day...
 who will be out and what the noise in my head has me do.....

I like the laughing smiling moments....
they are a breather for my brian.....
and I detest the dark abyss I always end up back in......
that's where I am now ..
in the dark abyss.....

I am heavily drugged yet wake up with horrific nightmares......
during the day I flash back and feel it as if it's happening now....
I lose quite a bit of time in my day..
having no awareness of where I have been......

yesterday I went out in public to a conference.....
Bongo walked in.....
when we were calm I was there...
and even Sam was there for awhile and was drawing on paper.....
she was still drawing her stories...
but  at one point I knew she smiled at P....

this disorder just plain sucks....
I hate it....
you are trapped within your mind...
and there's no escape other then death...
it's at these times that the Suicide Ideation is so strong....
the thoughts race in my mind and I am often planning my own death...
because death to me is peace..
freedom from this dreaded disease..

please don't judge me...
i have little or no control of what happens...
even with P on my side it still sucks..
it still hurts...
remember this disorder came from repeated horrific abuse...
abuse that was so bad my mind and body could take no more...
so my mind split off into others so that they could help me survive...
I rarely talk about the details of abuse because it hurts me and I see no reason to write about that...
 but if you'd like to read all the gory details of the abuse you can read it here:

Trigger warning/ A CHILD WAITS

Please don't judge me....
please....

As always

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