DARKNESS IN THE NIGHT

I saw P a little bit later in the day...
and we went to the beach...
I was calm enough that I could get through the tunnel to my private beach...
where I was able to rest a bit.....
and P was able to talk to whoever came out to her..
I was deep enough that I have no memory who was there except for Sam...
there are times I wish I had knowledge of who was there and what was said..
and other times I am thankful that I don't....

last night when we left P's office we felt ok...
a litt;e anxious but ok.....
it was dark out and the wind was howling.....
we ran quickly to our room and put our cuddly

blanket on and cuddled with PBB...
telling ourself that everything was ok...
but we knew what was happening...
the flash backs and flooding were about to take over..
we were alone ...
the boys were gone....
we did not feel safe...
there was no one here to save us....
and my mind took over from there.....

when we were young and terrible things were happening to us..
we would look at the light bulb and make ourselves really small ..
and we went into the lightbulb.....
last night I made myself small ....
went into the lightbulb and left the others behind......
I was screaming inside from fear..
only no one heard me....

at some point Sam came out and contacted P.....
I....Me...Bonnie...
was stuck in a flashback....
and alone....
I don't know what time it was but P called us....
the song..
P's song on my phone called me out..
and we heard her voice and was very grateful......

Sam told P we took a bunch of pills and we did..
we don't remember what we took ..
but it wasn't enough to die..

just enough to keep us numb and let us go into a deep sleep..

we haven't been this scared in a long time.....
P said to remind ourselves that we were safe..
which wasn't easy to do..
cause we were alone and we didn't believe we were safe..
we were feeling very young and alone.......

we ended up passing out..
and P called to check on  us around 9 am..
she said it would be good to get up and make coffee....
at which point we fell back to sleep and making coffee at 12....
still feeling lethargic from the pills taken the night before...

I don't wanna talk about stuff anymore..

I don't want to remember and feel it....
like it's happening now...
I don't want to remember....
I want it all to stop.....
just stop it all...

As always..........