I don't know where to begin here..... looking back I realized it's been 2 years since I walked away from God..losing all the faith I had..I couldn't even find that mustard seed....feeling totally abandoned by God..and since the changes with Z in our relationship I had a fear of seeing him in person and being rejected...that fear kept me away from church for 5 months......the fear of seeing him (my fear) kept me away from any kind of fellowship or worship and any connection to God...yeh this fear was pretty big........
I came to the knowledge that Z would be delivering the message Sunday..chaos immediately took over in my already overwhelmed head...."crap now what do I do"could I really stay home and miss hearing that voice..miss the chance of that hug that was missing for 5 months...
so I was up all night with my tummy doin flips.....letting the chaos and noise take over...and still arrived in the parking lot 15 minutes early...I had also bribed m boys into goin with me.....I snuck in quietly sitting towards the back (usually I'm up front).....and the message started...that voice swept over me like a warm blanket and I felt gentle tears roll down my face...but he was speaking ..and I was listening.. listening enough that I have a whole page of notes (something I don't do)......
WALLS???????? no way..
I don't want to hear about WALLS...
I know what my walls are and they are in place.they will protect me....
WALLS?????
Z goes on to speak about some personal experiences where his walls crashed down leaving him inconsolable..
I already knew these stories .. yet when he choked up..so did I,,,
he was hitting home man..and I was stuck....
I was listening....I heard him say that when the walls crash down it's normal to feel hopeless..you're not crazy......
I hear him say "don't let fear rob you of rebuilding those walls...and having fear does not mean you have no faith..I hear him say rebuilding the (good) walls takes place in fellowship ..not isolation....( I am an expert at isolation...as I sit here in my bed) Don't allow your horizontal to effect your vertical..I heard that over and over again....
damn it his voice his words were breaking my walls..it can't be happening..
I felt it ..I was being nudged...
Then he read a verse and I wish I noted where it was......your walls are forever before me....God knows my walls and he's been there all along.....I was mush....I was moved...the service was finally over and I knew it was time to face my fear...I needed a hug from my friend.....and I felt a sense of relief..I could look in his eyes and I could hug him..I could have fun with him and laugh and...I would find out that the therapist is forever gone and that is so ok...but I also found out...my friend that I came to love was still there..I didn't have to pretend any longer... I could be me..just me...and I still have a friend in Z....
Thank you Z.....
As always...
