FRIENDS

This is a very special post....this is from someone I call FRIEND...who is going through so many struggles of her own....yet she stopped to show me love.....I am so honored to call her friend.....from deep within I thank her and proudly present her words for me.....

THANK YOU MARY....

I LOVE YOU  



Saturday, February 26, 2011

For a Very Special Person

This poem is dedicated to a very special person, someone who I have met through my blogging. She has had a drastic change in her life recently that has left her devastated. She is a woman who has so much to offer and has helped me through difficult times in my life unselfishly, even when her own world is crumbling around her. God has blessed her with a unique gift all of her own and right now, she is in a place that she is having a hard time seeing the direction her life should take. Some of my readers will know this woman as well, some will not. I ask that regardless, you keep her in your prayers and ask God to lessen the burden she is carrying.

Golden times -you & me- fading into memory ...

My heart is hurting

I have a friend

She is hurting

What can I do

How can I help

I am here

holding hands - age 10, and age 8

From young to old

She has been misfortuned

To experience what no one should

She has tried to be strong

Has made great strides

Then, she is taken back

Taken back to a sad time

So hard for her to catch her breathe,

So difficult to think

My friend, so hard to trust

So hard to love

So hard to accept love

We hear you

We see you

We love you

We are here for you

Sunrise on the beach during the For you my friend

A safe place

Hear the sounds of the water

Feel the heat of the sun

On your skin

Bask in the waves of the water

Be at peace

And remember

We are, as always

Here for you.

Visit Mary's blog here:

http://allergiesandceliac.blogspot.com/2012/03/remembering-for-very-special-person.html#more

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Deep Dark Secret - Kelita

PLEASE WATCH AND LISTEN TO THIS VIDEO>>> THEN PLEASE, PLEASE SHARE IT......LET OUR VOICES BE HEARD.....

I'M SORRY

First I want to apologize for my rude irrational way of doing things....
my intent was not nor is it ever to hurt anyone...
but apparently I have...
and I do truly apologize...






You all know about the grief....and yes it peaked which played a part in the closing of BONGO IS Me....but what I have avoided is talking and sharing about some other stuff going on....I will attempt to do that now....






I have been in the same clothes..(now including hooded sweat shirt , I wear as a coat) ..to those that know depression it's a classic sign when personal hygiene goes pooof...but it's more.....









I do not feel physical pain until it is at a very high level...usually at it's peak...and way too hard to explain the origins of this right now....but it has been a fact .....a symptom in my life...and right now I am in horrible physical pain.....


I have something similar to frozen shoulder syndrome..in my left shoulder...I can not use my left arm for anything including taking clothes off or on..without very sharp shooting pain..... nothing has relieved that pain for about 3 months now.....







I also have some kind of nerve pain on my right side...this pain has been intermittent for 6 years now....when the pain comes...it lasts for about 6 weeks...this attack has been the worst..and at it's peak the longest....

it's like 100 knives stabbing me and electric shock soaring down my right side and arm....

When this pain is present.. I can not get near water...even a gentle mist sends me to my knees....the vibration of my own voice leaves me stiff in my spot... as of now there is nothing that even touches this pain....

So here I am physical pain on either side of my body and emotional pain taking over what's left....
to admit that I am living in this state...

to admit I have not seen a shower in over a week is extremely humiliating....

typing here is causing much discomfort....






All this to say I came crashing down Friday night when the reality of Z's departure....I had become totally irrational ........
I couldn't see a way out......I just didn't know what to do with all the pain....I never learned (some say it's possible) what to do with the grief/emotional pain....I don't handle pain the way a "NORMAL" person would....I just don't know how.....




Today..I received some relief...albeit temporary relief.. but relief none the less....

I received email and even had FB contact from Z... and he even made me laugh......he has now pegged me as a DORK which was originally his claim to fame...and with a smirk on my face ..I know he will again reclaim the title....

P has been taking very good care of me...
she's an amazing woman.....
and I'm accepting this care until I am able to care for myself....







So I ask of you to please bear with me....there will be a lot of highs and lows.....but I did make a promise to Z.....and I am trying to find my way through this..

I might be slowing  down in posting here.. as it truly increases the physical pain.....

This (embarrased) is me now .....I'm hoping for a totally different picture...

in LESS then 3 months....

As always...........

THE FINAL CURTAIN

The last peak...It's here....The final curtain
today Z left for Miami...stays overnight and flies to Honduras tomorrow for 3 months....
this is the peak his picture shows me....

I feel like the grief is starting all over again....

I don't think anyone understands how deep this is for me not even Z...I think in this he was pretty clueless...
This that I am experiencing I have never ever felt before.. not even close ...

You have to understand ..I have never ever felt safe in my life.. Never....



the therapist... yes I am grieving what I had.....


the friend.. I know I have and will always....




But in something as simple to some as email.. is absolutely enormous for me... I had a space that I could say anything and everything.. and that has been cut off...
it was 100% safe.....I now have to choose words and tip toe...because the email was part of therapy.....and that is a place I shared what I never have before..and can never again...

I was working with Z for 7 years......and it was painfully slow for a long long time..even he would have liked it to move a little faster.....but then things started happening..
we talked about the elephant....and the abuse was opening up...he spent many times with me over extended hours trying to give me more time to build momentum...something no one offered me before....
and finally finally.. I was able to speak more and more...and things started happening very quickly...
I was being flooded by the after effects but I was finding more and more relief.....
I trusted him like no other in my life.....so I pushed harder.. and it hurt like hell..and I paid an ugly price sometimes.. but in the end it was worth it...
I wold go into sessions scared to death shakin on the inside... but things were happening and I was feeling like maybe just maybe there was healing very close by......
and then We burned it...



and whammmmmmm

he announces he's leaving .. and everything stopped.. it just stopped....
I talked about nothing anymore...
I would email him.. I would see him in session and tell him about what I felt I was losing but in no way talked about the ramifications of burning it ..

I never mentioned the cutting or the suicide ideation...or how i was slowly isolating from the outside world...

I shut down... the safe was quickly going away....
I would be torn between thnking he's leaving me and being worried about how he would be.....

it was a horrible time.. a limbo....
I was in a much darker place then I would even admit to him...
I went back and forth from hating him to hating me for even allowing him ever to get in ..

and for the first time in my life I was totally not functioning..
my ultimate fear...

You see the idea was he was goin on this journey with me... he would see me through it.....and then he would help me leave him.. and with JOY I would fire him ... and I would leave for my real beach..

But I never got the chance......





This is not the way it is supposed to be...in any therapeutic alliance, the client "normally" knows when it is time to end... I always have... and this was not the time or the way..... and well it's just not fair...

and then I feel guilty even thinking this way.. because I have said before I kow his heart and he is following God...and that's all he has ever wanted to do...

And I am left in this place of profound sadness....and now I have no desire to ever feel this again...I don't believe in healing anymore... and I certainly am not speaking of what's inside hidden ever ever again...
I'm not willing to ever let someone in like this again......




there was a time I could not cry ... ever...and now I can't stop...

Z taught me it was OK to cry that it wasn't bad and that I wouldn't get in trouble...and I want so badly to turn it all off....
because now,

I just sit here....rock and cry

I just cry..........








Z's BLOG.....The Titanic Swim Team..The Honduras Journey..ADIOS FOR AWHILE

MOMENT IN TIME

This Moment

 

 A Friday ritual.
A single photo – 

                                                no words –

capturing a moment from anytime. 

A simple, special, extraordinary moment.

A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

Which I borrowed from (A) raising amelie 

                                                            and (SJ) almostthere.biz

 Please leave a link to your MOMENT IN TIME so we can all share in your moment....

As always...as always......

THE UN - QUIET SILENCE

It seems to be building....the reality is here....I have truly tried everything I know to make this OK in my head...

it's not ok and I am not OK.....
even with all the comments all the love you are showing me ... I still feel alone....like standing in a crowd and still feeling like I'm the only one there......'

the tears hurt my face..they don't stop...
The caring and support is nice but it doesn't change anything.....

I remember a time I didn't cry..I wasn't allowed to cry... so for years I laughed giggled got angry.. whatever but I would not cry...

but Z taught me it was OK to cry , that I wouldn't be in trouble , I wasn't bad for crying... and now I wish I never learned how, cause it hurts so badly..

I made a promise.. but I don't know how to keep this one...I don't know how to handle this pain....

I think about how I went through horrible physical pain....I remember the scissors...and yet this seems to hurt so much more..

The physical pain has peaked...I have to move very carefully...on either side...not helping in this struggle...

I go away..lose hours at a time..the noise inside is so loud that I can't find my own voice...

the kids just do whatever they do...avoid me...tip toe.. they don't understand this....

I'll be watching the little plane fly from Miami to Honduras...and will be anxiously waiting for it to land .....
from there I won't know anything till he updates somewhere....




I do thank God for his wifes calmness....he'll need that.....

3 months can go so quickly...but day to day will be long and drawn out...not knowing...

Z called yesterday.. and asked if I wanted to make that call to him that I have wanted so badly...he caught me off guard and I said NO....maybe I'm really not ready for that...

Skype has been more comfortable for me... I get to laugh...I'm hopin to see him there at least one more time before he leaves...but depends on his schedule.....





I'm here in perpetual panic and sadness... the dark place wins the game..
I so wanted to do this right...be a grown up... go on with life..but I don't feel like that..I feel as a child .. scared and lost..

I'm a visual person.. and I have tried to cling to the good visuals he has given me.. the hug that said he cared..the takin down of the blue room that felt good and a relief...the relief I saw when I made him that promise... the jar of sand that he brought just for me...the cross that hangs tightly around my neck...I cling to them all....

yes I'm grieving the therapist but in the same breath I am grieving the friend... the fear of him not returning is immense...and the fear of me surviving is immense also..





I have lived with Suicide ideation my whole life....my earliest memory of wanting to die was at 9 years old... and it hasn't let up since.. sometimes stronger then others but always there...




I have tried all kinds of meds..all kinds of therapy including ECT ....I even though about writing a book about the experience of being suicidal and going for ECT here is a snippet of that experience. :





 

 THE UN-QUIET SILENCE

Chapter 1

Six gurneys, and six of us lying there like an assembly line.

Several are aware of what's going to happen; 

some don't know who or where they are. 

The nurse is very robotic , her white shoes wheeling her chair from gurney to gurney, inserting the iv line in our hands.

Methodical and detached. 

Blood pressure and temperature check.

Phyliss is first to be wheeled beyond the curtain. She's 80 and suffers from extreme depression and Parkinson's disease.

I look at her and wonder why would they put someone so frail and aged through this.

Why don't they leave her alone?

 

Denise is next ,20 years old, catatonic ,

scars on her wrists and neck. 

Then Fred. 

Fred is 40 years old, and has a wife and 3 young children. 

Fred doesn't want to live anymore. 

Annie follows.
Annie, 32, thinks she was born homosexual and suicidal. She was physically and sexually abused by her father.

Lily is rolled in next. She's a mere 16;

her parents say she is uncontrollable.

 

And then me. I am told I am clinically depressed. 
I have a husband and 3 young children.

My only desire is to finally be free-- to sleep and not wake up.

I'm waiting to be wheeled beyond the curtain next........

GOING, GOING, ALMOST GONE

It's getting harder....I keep thinking it will let up but it doesn't...

I saw P today... she suggested there are 3 peaks to Z's departure.....peak 1: departing the blueroom......peak 2: departing church.....peak 3: leaving for Honduras....

I've also had a hard time cause I guess in a way I am protecting Z.....not that I'm not being honest but I'm leaving things out......I'm not saying what it has really been like..

I can honestly say I have never before felt anything even close to this before....I know he's stressing getting ready to go and well  don't want him to worry... and he does.....
But P is right..it's my blog... my place to share...and I'm just making it harder on myself by keeping it in....

See I can still email Z but not like I have in the past...the therapy stuff.....and well I just didn't know how to change it.....and though I have been talkin with P I still don't have a safe place to purge....so this is it.. this is the place....I've missed just being me in email..more then I can express... it was a place I could say anything and everything......
I write so much..then I just cry as I delete it all......

There are days or nights.. when the panic sets in...sometimes the grief..and all I wanna do is call Z..and I can't ...and I send myself into a tizzy...I have yet been able to call P......I mean everything has changed.....

So I did what I do best.. Shut down...I stopped all emails....I write only here......and when it's time to sleep I cling to my blue bottle and cry until I fall asleep......It's God awful.....

it's not letting up.. it's not getting better....I still look at Z's departure picture and think when Z when will it get better.. when will the crying stop? And I haven't even reached peak 3 yet and time is goin fast as it approaches...



I feel like I'm on the TAG (The Antioch Group) suicide watch....all these people caring....P just gets me in somehow every freakin day....it's great all the caring......but I'm still here hurting in a way I truly have not known before.......




I still talk to Z...I still see him through a puter screen.....but not for long and not in the same way....I can play and joke, laugh....
and that's great..but when all is said and done I'm still cryin....


I know some won't understand all this...heck sometimes I don't.....but let me tell you it sucks.....




Today I got to talk through that computer screen for  a bit with Z.... he said something to the effect of are you cryin? I said no I don't do that....it bothered me.. I didn't want him to see or know that.. and I didn't want to be seen.....



I keep thinking of all the different pain I have experienced in life..and how this hurts more than anything.....




it hurts deep inside..and damn it I'm so freakin scared......

I know Friday or Saturday when he departs..it will be like the Blueroom and church all over again.....

And that night when I want to pick up the phone...I won't be able too...and I remember how bad it was...and I just don't wanna feel that again.......I told P.....all the hugs I pushed away for so long and all I wanna do is get them back...do it right.....and it's all too late...


I made this promise....and I don't know how to keep it....

yep I'm in that dark place...and it's getting darker...
and I want to be done...just done....

and all the caring all around ...just doesn't fix this...

I wish I could take all the good stuff and see it here in front of my and stay with it...and blow the darkness away.. but it doesn't work like that for me.....there is too much I still see lost.....
I am just missing something I had never had before then found ....then lost.....






My beach ..my God I miss my beach.....I see it in my head but I can't get there....it's just a picture...very still....the voice is still present...on my tape...in voicemail.....but I know he's not here .....
he can't keep me safe anymore......

the stupid little noises that drove me nuts........(apparently Z figured out I had a keen sense of hearing) and would tease me with them....






And then there was something I talked to P about... (could make some laugh) I never saw Z as a man....honest....

he was a person.. a safe person....which is even weird to me....there was no gender attached....so then I realized.. he was the first safe male person in my life...how weird is that to realize at age 51 ..the first safe male.....makes my head spin......






and in all this I am still here behind this screen crying.....
and still wanting to be done..just done...

I want it all to stop...the tears, the pain ..the noise...
I'm screaming...yelling...

SHUT UP leave me ALONEEEEEE.....






As always.........

THE MASK RETURNS

Bongo, Bongo go away......

no no she says ..
I'm here to stay....

watching the motions not feeling a thing.....

 when she's here the world seems cold.....

there's no love and hugs.....
just fake laughs and giggles...

the mask is on..
the darkness inside 

When the darkness gets to big...

and she has no where to hide...


the mask returns...
the others run and hide...

she sits alone
she let's no one in

waiting for the whistle

the train will hit


she expects it today
she prays it is fast

to finally be free

to take the mask off finally......