Tuesday, September 13, 2011

OPEN WOUND


I have been avoiding a subject..
leaving things out..
dancing around..

because I didn't know how and what to say....

The subject is Z..

ahhh so you all thought I was over that?
WRONG.

if anything there are lot's of raw emotion that are festering under the skin....


Though there was a lot of good in this relationship ..there has been lot's of hurt in it too..
I had finally gotten to the part where the grief settled..finally was able to move on and do the work I needed to with P..and WHAM.....
the hurt happened...

trust is being tested again...

Things have changed in Z's life which has greatly affected my life.....though he insists there is a friendship ..
it has changed greatly....

the therapist part is done..
over..gone..
and I'm really ok with that..

I have P now and am truly grateful for her...
.
but the friendship with Z is so totally screwed up....and a big hurt...
and of course as always the timing really bad...
It's like grieving all over again.....
and it's not welcome.....
I tried like hell to cut my losses..
to throw it away..to pretend it doesn't exist..
but my mind isn't letting me...
there are constant reminders..


and feelings left lingering with open wounds.....
there are some things he needs to work on....and I appreciate that part...
but in that I lost the part of the friendship....that I enjoyed..
that brought distraction and laughter...
the part I enjoyed is totally gone...
he says he cares...
and I believe that..
I wish I didn't cause then it wouldn't hurt...

I have been trying to sort out my feelings...some with P ...
but mostly on my own....
and I have not been too successful with that....
the feelings have been festering instead of sorting themselves out.....
the hurt is growing....

a friendship is in good or bad..and not one sided..it's not one persons boundaries..it's something agreed upon..talked about..
not just done and left...

I feel anger...hurt...and love all rolled into one package.....
I don't know what to do with it all....
I was at a point when I laughed so hard....
and now at the opposite end when I cry just as hard...
the teasr hurt.....they burn my skin as they fall....

I hate relationships ..
which is why I avoid them.
I though this one was the one that was finally ok...
I was wrong.......

As always.......is hard to say.......





















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