no desire to exist..
I feel as if I am disappointing people because I can't find a way out of the darkness...because I can't pretend everything is and will be ok...
I don't believe God does not give you more then you can handle..it's a lie..because right now I have much more then I can handle.....
I set out to write this blog to find my own voice and to help others find theirs...but I'm not sure it is doing that at all.....I'm sharing my darkness my truth ..but is it really helping anyone else? Is there any purpose in it at all...
it was a look inside the therapy room... my therapy with Z and now with P.....to see what it's really like....not what you see on TV........it's what therapy is really like... and I gotta say it sucks...
I've let you into something that has been and still is taboo...a dual relationship...
I have had so many comments about the obsession about Z...I want you all to hear me now...It's not obsession..this is a relationship that is very complicated and has nothing to do with obsession..it's a very important part of my life and a puzzle that is needing to be completed... and as I have said before most will not understand....the puzzle is being worked on....and I am very grateful to still have him in my life...I'm a very lucky person...dual relationships are usually frowned upon....and don't often happen.. or should I say most don't admit to them...but it is a relationship which as with any relationship will need to be continually worked on...and it will be....
but in the meantime I'm in a dark place....I hurt for me and I hurt for my son...and am not in a place to talk about it yet.....I am still questioning the purpose of this blog and for that matter the purpose for life.....since life seems to be very cruel...
I will try to continue to share as much as I can about the comin days and or weeks...personally I think this will be more like science fiction then real life.. but unfortunately it is real...
So I'll see ya 'll on the flip side.....
till then ...
Grace and peace.....
As always...XOXOXO
i'm not sure how to begin this... i guess with a prayer? then with an embrace... i can't take you out of that dark side until you're ready to see the light... until you hold out your hand... i could just stay there and be present for you...
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you got what you needed from Z. For me, this blog has been an eye opener. Continue to blog and express yourself but only if it helps you.
ReplyDeleteThere are many things that some people will never understand not because it's in front of their faces but, because they don't want to understand.
ReplyDeleteI understand your pain, not all but, some and I understand your words and how hard it is to get out of that darkness.
Does prayer help you? It never did me. I can recall years of my life I cried out praying for God and never did it make the pain or the bad deeds go away. It never brought me anything except a different outlook on his existence.
Keep talking it out, let it out don't return back into the shadows and face it alone. There is no reason for you to face it alone. It won't go away over night but, it can eventually get better but, you have to keep moving forward not back.
XOXO
No one can truly understand because they are not in your mind. The best we can do is offer empathy and listen. I know you hurt, I know that feeling of not bothering because it doesn't make any difference. I have no idea however, of how to heal you or your pain. Keep going to P, I'm glad she can help. Peace to you. and Loves to you and yours.
ReplyDeleteDon't leave us. You were my first contact with others like us. I would miss you. I know how painful this is...I understand, I really do. Take a break if you need to and just rest. We can get through this...we just have to believe and never give up.
ReplyDeleteTake care Bongo...my friend.
What really caught my attention is your reason for starting the blog...finding your voice, which you are already doing just by writing the blog. The other point you made was to help others find their voice. No one can help others to find their voice...you can just lead by example. It then becomes their choice as to when to be heard and use their voice.Is it helping anyone else...We all have to be strong within ourselves before we can be there for others. Healer, heal thyself...then you can go forth and heal others.
ReplyDeleteI feel the blog is for you and the purpose is for you. This is for your inner journey of discovery. It is not about others. Your plate is full and you need to nurture self. You are the blog...the blog is you...it is from your challenges that you will grow...and find you way. You took the step to write...you will get there.
I am sorry for your confusion and pain. Please do not stop your writing. I believe it helps to write. You have found your voice...do not silence it. See ya!
ReplyDeleteBongo Girl,
ReplyDeleteYour doing all the right things.. You are going to get through this.. I have your hand I have got your back...
xoxox
Jess
"Its a long hard road you gotta travel
ReplyDeleteto get where you belong
it's a long hard road but in the end
it can only make you strong
make you strong"
And I have no doubts you will make it through
There's testament to the amount of love that comes from the people that you help and support and vice versa.
ReplyDeleteI know your reasons for this blog but you are more important than anything else, take care of you and do what you need to do x
BB, it's so amazing to me that if someone can't physically 'see' someone's pain, they tend to downplay it. Your pain is not one that cannot be seen, but is felt through your words. It helps people to realize that even though everything looks peachy on the outside, so much more can be going on in the inside.
ReplyDeleteIt is easy for people to say 'get over it' but, if they had ever walked in those shoes, they would realize that although a 'feeling' or 'pain' does not seem justified to them, it in itself is very real to the person that is experiencing it and therefore, should be respected and supported.
You have shared emotions and feelings with your readers that most will never experience other than through your words. On top of everything, you also experienced a great loss. People may have their opinion regarding a relationship surrounding a therapist. But loss is loss, no matter what conditions it is under and each person deals with that differently, and again, should be respected.
I have been in my own head-space of late as one has to be sometimes, that's why I haven't been around. I say this because I just wanted to tell you that I do come to your house and read you. I read you because then I can see you. And I do BB
ReplyDeleteLove A
It has never been, and never will be easy work! But the road that is built in hope is more pleasant to the traveler than the road built in despair, even though they both lead to the same destination.
ReplyDeleteI love u,and will wait for you.
Bonnie Girl, I am so happy you got that hug from Z! I am really happy for you...
ReplyDeleteHang in there! A big hug as always. xxxx