EVERYTHING IS HIDDEN

The signs are here ....

the  flags are up ..

it's Monday just another day...no different then the day before..
there have been bad moments.......boring moments...and good moments...

It's been kind of a blur.......a few days lost ...the fog was thick.....it seems to be lifting now....as the meds are not in control.....


when I do take the meds I am reminded why I fight them so...and I have had a good reminder this weekend......I'm sitting here smokin my ciggys and re filling my IV bag with caffeine......washing the fog away.....

 I've had so much swirling around in my over filled head..and have found it impossible to get those thoughts out of my head and here into words....I am slowly attempting to release them now....





 I have been in a highly irritated... agitated.... angry state...most of which is aimed at my kids....they are here.... they are in the path....



when I shut down...and the real feelings are hidden and everything comes out in anger.....and the ones that see my wrath are usually my kids....so the yelling and screaming start...feelings hurt...and the tip toeing around mom begins again....




   I feel bad doin this... and I'm sorry ..but they don't ever hear that....many times I would talk about it with Z ...and Z would say just say your sorry..and I've never been able too...



I don't know why such simple words are so hard to say to the ones I love the most...many times after the wrath I will retreat to my room..cry buckets because I just hurt them....come back out and not a word is spoken...and we go on till the next time....

As a child all I wanted was some love.. to feel special.. to feel I mattered..and warm hug..and "I love you"...yet I'm giving to my children the exact opposite...I don't get it...I really don't..and why is it so hard for me to change it....







 I love reading...I soak up books and info...it had been so long that I was able to read and retain the words.....yesterday I was able to sit with a book for a few hours and take in someone else's words...that was nice...

As for my time with P....I have been able to give very little....I've noticed..laughing and giggling and few tears.....there have been a few moments of sharing but most thoughts and feeling remain hidden inside....I wish the thoughts would just be purged and get out already....instead of having them eat me up inside..and create chaos within....I had written her an email and will share some of that now:

everything is hidden
I have control........don't talk don't sweat...the drawbridge,,,,is a good visual..it really is.....

I'm holding the chains tight.....with all the control..yet standing behind it in fear.....terror ..if I let go or lose my grip...

if I pull just a little bit tighter the bridge will lock.......and there's no key to be found....

I see it...I feel it... I am it....

when I look from the outside....it saddens me.. to know I have been in it ...been it... for so long...
and to think ....that's the end of the story......it's locked...I'm locked.....
and I'll die without ever finding a key.....

that's where I am...that's in my head......


I had some good moments yesterday....I got to see and hear Z....it had been quite awhile...

Skype is a wonderful thing......

It was soooooo very nice......and the best part is I noticed..I was incredibly comfortable.... there was laughter......there was a friend...and a conversation....there were no tears.....the therapist and client were not in the picture for those moments....a conversation with 2 people sharing ...caring.....without the stress.....wow...how awesome.....things are changing.....it's a relief....it's good....

Some light is coming through..I hope you can see it....
I can....for the first time in a long time...

The darkness is there.....but it's just the pain that comes ...before the morning.....

As always...........

Z has returned from the mountain once more.....wanna go on a journey with him?......check it out here:
Z's (Steve Harris) Blog