Yup we're snowed in....and as usual I am reading and writing...
I've had a few distractions these last few days which have allowed calm....allowed me to breathe...
I had reached the point of emotional and physical exhaustion...I took drugs..I slept....I woke wishing I didn't...
Trapped within my own prison....held hostage in my own mind.....the days turn into nights and the nights turn into days.....over and over again..each one the same never changing.....the
voice getting further and further away....my safe..my peace... my free .....
The wall building brick by brick...the electric of her mind..the heat of her heart quickly shutting down...
When utilities are behind..the letters come with warning.....if you don't pay ..they shut you off cold...doesn't matter that child shivering..trying to find more blankets..
I feel as that child .....cut off...shivering in the corner.....
My path ...my outlet ..my space..has been shut off ..cold.....a knife slices through the skin......
the thoughts...feelings have no where to go....the stories shut down..with no end.....
I don't think it's supposed to happen like this...something went wrong....a short in the path...
But it's happening..left with no control...lot's of questions with no answers....
The questions I refer to have been for Z....
I've had many over the years...some have found answers...some were asked in fear..and received answers that were clear... Some questions I have today seem inside me, is beyond fear....they remain UN said....and they eat at me like a cancer inside....I question and question , myself to no end...I am my own worst enemy...torturing myself...like a cancer eating me inside out....
For some this would seem simple and trite ....for me...immense....They come from a little girl who is used to not being heard.....She as I is terribly afraid of rejection...of loss...of change...
I've been reminded that when I was asked a simple question as : "How are you"? my answer would automatically be : "I'm Fine" (Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic, Expired)....
That was my answer....even to Z....but....my answer changed over the years..and I began to be free..."I'm not FINE , not doin well today....I hurt....
Now.....things have changed...though transition (hate that word) is happening...I still feel as if the bottom has dropped out of my world....
I started the transition out right...with courage..by inviting P
to come to the beach with Z and I.....
But I didn't continue it.....
I should have been communicating with both , but I didn't...I tried in my feeble mind to separate it... and in doing that ..
I shut down.....which means I shove more down...hide it.....
The grief is there and nothing else is allowed to be present...
Some things are now lost forever and will not return....transition will mean something different....
the stories and feelings forever buried.....
I went there last night.......the voice on the tape led me.......
I was stuck ..in a darker place then before.....
the beach...I was there....
the demons were waiting.....
the panic began........
As always...as always............
To follow Z on his journey click here : Z's BLOG
Bongo Girl,
ReplyDeleteI can't envisage the amount of pain you are going through in this moment in time. I am left speechless for there are no words that I or anyone can say to give you solace.
Your courageousness and strength astounds me,
All my Love and Blessings
~Jessica~
Bonnie, the transition you talk about will bring you to a much better place. Trust me when I say this as it is straight from my heart. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. This is evident in how far you have already come and what you have come through. Don't ever give up on yourself!
ReplyDeleteOkay, I'll give you questions. Why is that post labeled dual relationship? Why don't you like the word transition?
ReplyDeleteAs ever,
T
Bonnie, you are amazing. Don't give up. I hope the snow clears soon.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing and speaking such truths. You are amazing. <3<3
ReplyDelete