I walked in medicated...carrying the drawings and sand...I didn't know what I was doing there....I wanted to run to my blue room...Sam was scared....it didn't take long for the tears to start I was already crying on the way...
Z sat close on my right side...
so wanted to hold his hand... I wanted touch,,, but there was none...
P sat across at a safe distance......
They didn't know what was goin on in my head how I was remembering the pact that only Sam and I have...it won't be long now.....
I wanted to not leave Z ... I wanted to say is it safe is it still safe,,, can I call you.. I need to call you...but I couldn't.....I didn't wanna leave...I needed the voice more...
Z wasn't aware that Sam has been talking to him..he thought it was only through me.
Sam drew him the pictures...Sam told him the memories...Sam wants to die with me...Sam wants to call him now....how do we call him when he walks away? How will we ever have safe again...
we can't live like this any more...the words are stuck and they hurt us...
We are tired so tired...we don't have a promise anymore,,,,
We can't explain the hurt anymore...we tried....
We need Z now....We need his hand...we need his hug....we even need his funny..
we cry so hard...
we pick up the phone and no one is there.....
we miss the beach..
can't do what they want anymore...we're done...too hard..too tired.
we don't know where we belong anymore,,,we are lost...
we are losing our mind, we are dying...
we are done
we just want rest..just rest..let us go
we need to call..too afraid.. we feel it inside building and it hurts,,,we need relief
We don't have much time...the clock is ticking
We didn't hear a lot..we were focusing on getting out.. it pleased them for us to be there..
P shut the lights out..but it wasn't the same.....P wanted to know why I call it the blueroom...I couldn't answer.....
Z said I wasn't losing everything..but he doesn't understand...when you have nothing and you finally find it and then it leaves you again have nothing,,,
I keep telling him it was his voice that leads me to the beach.. it can't be another voice...it's his voice...at least right now I can hear his voice for 2 more weeks and I can find safety and calm in it... but then it will be gone..and it all goes with him.....
never had safety or trust ever..and I will never again...and it's not just the therapy part.. it's the outside part too.
I knew before the beginning it was right,,,,I believed he was sent from God...Now I don't know what I believe....
P offered a hug... it hurts now to hug...I wanted Z's hug...but he gave me his hand...As always..
I didn't want prayers , it wasn't, they weren't safe today...
Z looks better when he's dressed down ...
denim jacket and jeans...
still holding my file....
crying hurts....
we can"t breathe ...
we are hanging by a noose
we wanna go away .
.
we wanna go away....
we have a pact...
I empathize with you in the place where you found yourself. More or less...I've been in the same place as well. Being lost in myself, needing to urgently communicate what one is saying inside of me. Then when I go to say it or write it...it is lost. Needing the touch or hug and not being able to communicate it and not receiving what I needed.
ReplyDeleteI hope for you, for myself and others in the same place that we are given what we so desparatly need even if it isn't how or when we realize we need it.
Who is Z? It's an interesting piece but I haven't read the backstory. Or is there one?
ReplyDeletedark!
ReplyDeletehere is some light... :0) and you can call me A.
Question: Seven years of therapy with Z leaves you with nothing? I am trying to figure out how that can be. Love you but you know me, I am concerned that your self talk about this has got to be making a bad situation a million times worse..... I feel badly about that.
ReplyDeleteI kind of have to piggy back on Tim...I don't think 7 years of therapy left you with nothing. I know you are grieving the loss of Z, and that can make you feel the void, but Z was never healing you-you were making that progress and still are. It might help me understand if I knew what positive things came of your time in therapy. Not that you have to explain yourself to me, you don't...just wondering! <3 you without judgment!
ReplyDeletesojourner: Thank you !!! It is horrible when you want /need something and can't ask...when the words/thoughts are inside yet you can't communicate them....there are many times I can't communicate and it's stuck inside...but writing is my outlet..I am so thankful that Z allowed me the safe place of email to vent..say what I need too..and this blog where I can say what I want/need/think...Still put someone in front of me and all those feelings/thoughts/wants/needs are frozen inside.....As always....XOXOXO
ReplyDeleteTim, Widow_Lady302...here's what I said in email to Z:
ReplyDeleteit's true , you have given me an enormous amount....but I still feel like I'm losing everything....
when you finally get something that you have never had, and then lose it? is that not losing it again?
it's not that you didn't get to have it/experience it...but it gets lost...like getting a new favorite toy...and going about your day with your friends..visiting relatives , goin to school or whatever..and then you go home and find your toy missing... you search and you search but you never find that toy again.. it is forever lost....
That's the way it feels...
Duane Scott: Z is my therapist....and there is much to the back story ...thanx for comin along ...and Welcome ...As always...XOXOXO
ReplyDeleteA: thank you for the light ...As always...XOXOXO
ReplyDeleteIt's a paradox in a way. You can't let go of bad experiences in your past but you can totally lose the wonderful experiences with Z. Or am I misunderstanding what you are saying?
ReplyDeleteTim....good thing I love you huh?????
ReplyDeleteAs always....XOXOXO