THERAPY BOXING MATCH

I'm staring at the screen here.. having all these conversations in my head...I don't know what I feel or what I want to write if anything...
Today was therapy day.. I went in , in a fog and came out in a fog...I was constantly scanning the room...I wanted to say things but I knew I couldn't...I knew I was shutting down.....I know it's been coming..and I've never known how to stop it....
I didn't invest at all today.. I stayed detached and tried desperately to not hear Z's voice ...

I've been fighting demons the last few days...and drew pictures that were in my head...Sam reminded me of them...She drew a tree with a hole in it where she would watch the squirrels hide their nuts....she drew the light bulb hanging from a string in the middle of the bedroom...she drew the blade she used to cut her leg.....
I can't remember much of what Z said today...the trauma books call it Session Amnesia.....I call it I went away to avoid connection...

There were some humorous moments....like seeing Z totally flustered after having a frustrating session before... Z says ..I don't do that.....LOL...
Years before Z came out of session with a family...he was shaking his head and red as a beet...I go back and he says I DON'T do that....I laughed....
It's rare I get to see reactions after a previous session... but I find it amusing....There was also another time....
It was about me....He told me over and over again he doesn't do this....repeatedly tried to refer me out...talking bout how it's not his specialty...and he didn't feel qualified to help me.....But that's what I wanted... I was tired of therapists that thought they had all the knowledge and all the answers...I wanted someone who didn't know it all.....who was willing to admit it.. and who was willing to learn with me......Today If I asked Z if he still felt the same .. if he still thought he wasn't qualified to help me .. I believe he would still agree....but 7 years later I believe he's perfectly qualified..and believe this was a God thing.....so seeing his reaction today just reminded me of that and I have a little smirk on my face as I write.....


It has taken me literally years to get to the point of trust I have with Z...and still even with that trust I hold back...I still fear his reaction...though he has never given me a reason to fear it..I Have never looked in his eyes and seen disgust ..I have seen caring...yet the fear continues.... still fear him leaving.....a natural fear I believe since he's a mission guru...I fear he will tire of me and just give up...there are many times I still need reassurance...that he won't quit...and he gives that to me.. and I believe him...most of the time...

Right now I am in place I always feared in therapy....talking bout the memories... I have succeeded in avoiding them all my life.. but this is it... they are here and needing to come out...and now I need to trust Z more then ever... that he can sit there and hear them....and not look at me differently....to be able to hear all my shame... all the words that make me ill... and then to help me through the after effects which always follow.....and I have to somehow not shut down....

I can remember many a session when I did just that... I sat in silence ..with tears falling.....refusing to have anything to do with my beach....

In all my knowledge in all the books and journals I have soaked up I do not know how to apply it to myself......to allow my mouth to speak.....
So I have emailed Z and told him what I would like to do.....I have been telling him since quite a few posts ago... I find it a safer venue in this blog or email to communicate with anyone.. especially Z...
I've told him the beach is safe... I want to go to the beach with Sam and the memories which she sent him......I want to use the beach to process those memories......when I or Sam can speak them but not feel the bad...and to hopefully come back from the beach with less anxiety or need to hurt myself...
I don't know all the answers to this or how it plays out but this is my desire....
I have been too tempted to try it here at home .. and I think that would be a disaster...because if I do become flooded I will not be able to get out..to stop it....
I also feel if I wait too long I will continue to shut down ..I already feel it happening...the fear growing and the need to run away.....and in that I fear I would be lost forever...

With the holidays coming up this would not be a good time to backslide..it's too hard to get back up...
So the urgency is here...I do think I would need a higher dose of meds to soothe the anxiety before and after....but I want to do this .....

We'll see what happens... not sure Z is in agreement with me in this...will have to have a boxing match to sort it out.......



In the mean time......As always, as always .....Uh huh...

WHAT DID I DO?

I'm not usually around young kids....

This holiday week I am living with 4 kids under 4.....

Now I had 3 babies of my own..one girl and 2 boys... and I did what I knew.. I raised them and they survived my raising...I did whatever I had to , to keep them healthy safe ....they were mine and I was responsible for them....my life was totally wrapped up in them...but that's just it... when I was raising them I was in it...I wasn't outside observing.....

I like kids I think they are cute and all but I have never wanted to interact with them...I just figure I'm not kid friendly ....no clue why...

 I find myself in a different situation here this week.. I've had a chance to be detached and just observe....I'm seeing how small how fragile kids are.....they are totally self absorbed.. it's all about them....also they are so innocent ..they have no idea what is against them in the world outside.....

There was a book I read awhile back..it was Counseling Survivors Of Sexual Abuse...
In the book there was an exercise that this Counselor had suggested her clients do.... she suggested going to a kids park or a school for younger kids...and just observe... to see yourself there at the age you were when you were abused.....to picture yourself that young again and then look at the size and age of your abuser.. and ask yourself what could you do at the young age you were to change the abuse... and how could you in any way fight someone so big.....you were a small innocent child...They were very big and not innocent .....

The truth is when I look at myself at that age size etc...there was absolutely NOTHING I could do......
The voice in my head says : What did I do that was so bad? Why did they want to hurt me?

I'm looking at the little girls specifically and thinking there is nothing these beautiful kids could do that was that bad....Nothing....there was NO reason to hurt me. No sane reason anyway...

Those people that hurt me were sick, evil, demented....and there is no excuse for what they did..none at all..

Now I am writing and saying this now...I'm not sure I truly believe it as of yet....I know that would be the goal.. to know I didn't bring on the abuse.. to know I wasn't bad.... to put the blame on the abusers ..to put the blame where it belongs......
and I am working on it...... but I am still a work in progress....and even in this there are baby steps being taken...and many more baby steps ahead of me...

I had an eye opener this week, a light bulb moment, and it has left me with questions that I need to answer for myself.. truths I need to see..

A seed was planted , now I have to make the choice to water the tree or go back in my little garden and chop it down as a weed..

As always, as always........... hang in

SHE SEE'S ME

here i am
see me

here i am
sam i am

i need to be held
don't touch me

she see's me
in the mirror

she see's herself
when she see's me
the mirror is cracked
half me
half her

glue it together
one face you will see

she came to see me
 

a walk on the beach

the voice she heard
kept her safe as we walked
i told the stories
the pictures she saw

it is safe as she said
to see but
not feel

this is the way
to be one

the way that
we heal

THERAPY HURTS

What is therapy anyway..It's just talking.....just being forced to face things that hurt..

Though there is always humor in session (thank God) I'm lucky to have a very funny therapist with a good sense of humor.. it still ends up being miserable...

I left right away today...Just didn't wanna hang out....but now just bawlin..trying to write...

I had told Z I almost posted a memory here and had to force myself not too..I don't want this blog to be about that...and I also don't feel safe in sharing that.. it's not even safe for me to read them..

When Sam sends Z a memory and I find it I read one line and get physically ill...I can't read it.. I don't want to know.. I can't even imagine talking to Z about them..
I was triggered Monday and it's taken time to figure that out..

Sam and Z talked about the brush.. the brush was also in my drawing.. The brush that grandma would use to clean me inside and out...I see it so clearly and I can feel it.(body memories)

Sam is not scary...Sam is a 9 year old girl.. she does not know the abuse ended.. she has long black stringy hair...she's dirty.. has cuts on her arms.. she does not smile.. and is always looking down...her arm is always reaching out ,, though she allows no touch..but she is not scary...

I left too soon, it feels bad,, I called Z's voicemail... just to hear his voice to help me calm down..
My heart is racing and I'm still shaking on the inside...
I have to pull it together I have to drive for 4 hours..

If Sam wants to help then why doesn't she leave me alone? Why does she want to tell me her stories and why does she say I'll be in trouble for telling...


I have always been told I would not believed and in trouble if I tell.. Why is she telling me that?
How does hearing her or letting us speak going to help us..
I don't want to remember it.. I want it all to go away...
It hurts inside now..I can't focus...

Told Z I can't call unless it's already too big , unless I'm already in crisis...to call while I'm still calm is stupid.. it won't matter..to take up someones time to say nothing for no reason..It's a struggle I have always had.. by time I make that call I am already in chaos, already cutting..already panicking..

This time right now is when I'm supposed to be able to call him... when I feel my body reacting and I need to calm down... his voice does that for me...but I can't do it.. just called voice mail..that's all..


I wanna go back to bed.. make this go away..
Rocking and holding the dumb bottle...SAM thinks it's dumb.. maybe she thinks it's dumb because she's jealous...cause no one has given her something special to hold on to. She needs something special...

My God it's hurting inside...it's not like we talked about anything special..Oh Z wrote me a note ..let me find it..I don't remember what it says..

SELF TALK

My feelings DO matter!
What I think IS important!

I'm no longer a helpless victim, damn it!!
I MATTER !!

Amazing I can actually read it.. his writing sucks..
I read those words I see them , but they don't matter right now...here in this moment they don't matter..


Not sure where I am at now...I'm in a fog of abyss..heart hurts and the shaking inside...

Sam is coming out to play.........

SAM SPEAKS

Z said Sam emailed him...I'm sharing it here...He see's good.. healing...I see hurt, fear, dying:

I gave her the picture of the brush
she tries not to remember

she drew a picture of me
and the nightmare

but it was
her he came too

When she takes the pills
it's easy for me to be here

she'll be in trouble
for talking so much

the brush is hard
hard and pointy

she washed us
inside and out

we still feel it day in
and day out

She's pushing and pushing
me away

she tries so hard but i'm
here to stay

I hear what she thinks
i see what she see's

i want to be out
i want to speak

she won't let you see
she won't let you hear

she wants to be touched
i say don't come near

she holds that dumb bottle
she rocks and she prays

but there is no keeping me away

she needs me she
just doesn't know

I'm here to help
together we'll grow

she wants to be free
together we can be

together we can be free

GO AWAY SAM GO AWAY

Today is a weird day....the kind of day I don't look forward too....cause I get paranoid... is it just a bad day or is it a crash....

The night was UN eventful...slept a good 8 hours yet woke up late...ran around a bit with my son and here I am....
Shaking on the inside and teary and a huge headache....

I don't get it.. and I am one that has to understand...I have to know what's goin on ....

I have used things I know to help calm the beast.. I have my tape..my blue bottle...

my music..and now my friend the blog..

Z has quite a collection of  Cobalt blue bottles and I have used them to dissociate in what I call "The Blue Room"

But seeing those bottles there also reminds me I'm safe... often times when I feel like I'm going away I scan the room..trying to ground.. trying to remind myself I am safe..and the blue bottles always comfort me.. A few years ago Z had given me 2 little blue bottles which I have carried with me since..

Somehow from my blue bottle I renamed Z's office "The Blue Room" strange yes I know... that I am....

I seem to name things in colors...
the color In my home I know as safe is PINK..I have pink sheets, pink blankets, pink robe, even a pink Bible...

Red is danger.. it can be an object or sometimes even a person...

Black is dark , black is depression, suicide Ideation, cutting etc

I don't like Green or Orange

I love animals...I have 2 cats now Persia she's 8 and Raja she's almost 2

My favorite pets are RATS...I love my rats..I don't have any now.. they have all died :(  At one point I had 82...Persia loved playing with them.. she would always clean them and then sleep curled up with one particular one named ABU..




I don't know where I'm going here...thoughts are all mixed up and fragmented...but I think it's good to just stay here and continue.....

I'm going to see Ariel in a little while ..she has a counseling appt and I get to drive her... hey some time is better then none....
I think SAM is hanging around today....and this is my way of pushing her away...I don't want her here today..I want to be left alone...

I have nothing left to write...nothing left to say today....I feel like I'm floating away....

Go away Sam go away.......

FOGGY INSIDE

Therapy again...it was a little different today.. definitely uncomfortable...I feared what Z would bring up.. I know what I had swirling in my mind..and I  knew what I wanted to avoid..
There are all kinds of signs saying I'm ready but the reality is I'm not.. I don't want to be..
My heart is heavy today and the tears are falling..we just touched on a little but a little is a lot...

I walked in shaking from the inside out..We looked at sketches I had done...the sketches are beginning to tell about the memories that haunt me...but in looking at them or talking about them brings back the feelings...the body memories... my heart races and tummy does flips.. It's OK when I'm drawing them..dissociating a bit while drawing..it's after when I see what is there that I feel stuff...


Today Z said the word screwdriver and asked me about the brush...I could feel it on my skin..




It was really uncomfortable today.... some sessions go so fast and I want more time.. others like today seem like they last forever..
The tears were already falling before I got out the door..I sat in the car for a little while but not long..I just needed to get out of there ..
.
I hate that I leave there smiling and giggling and as soon as I leave I have a bawling fest and then stuck with it...sometimes for a few hours sometimes a few days...

I have already emailed Z to tell him what I want to try Wednesday... I want to go to the beach.. and I want to try and talk about the memories while I am there. SAM can help me.. I just don't know if the mind can focus on 2 things at one.. the beach in itself is a visualization...and I have to focus.. then to focus on Z's voice ...asking questions.. I'm not sure how that works.. I don't think I could communicate without him asking the questions.. I don't think I would communicate at all.. and as far as Sam communicating , I don't know how that happens... Up till now she has not communicated other then through email and pictures... though in her writing she has said she wants to speak..
.
Z asked me about a particular sketch today... it was Sam .. she has her cut up arm kinda of reaching out...That's the way I see her at the beach.. her arm is always outstretched..like help me.. but yet you can't touch her.. I have tried many times.. even when she meets me here at home.. she jumps away when I try to touch her.. she does love to play with my hair which I too enjoy..

Z said something about her not wanting to be  touched.. I don't remember exactly what he said but it was something to the effect of .."look what touch has been to her" touch has always hurt her....

I love to hug.. a hug to me says I'm OK, I'm loved, comforted, not disgusting, not bad...But it's me that needs to initiate the hug.. when someone else tries to hug me I freeze , hold my breath..can't wait till it's over...I only recently told Z how I hated the shoulder to shoulder half hugs he would give me..I had let it happen all along.. finally had to tell him... and now we resort to shaking hands..that's not exactly the touch I need but until I know what I do need and what is comfortable ..the handshake will remain...

I have hugged Z on 2 occasions in 7 years...and I just wanted to melt in it and bawl and be held like a baby...I have since avoided them..... I'm always afraid I'll fall apart act like a baby and be seen as stupid.. so I don't allow it.....even though at the same time I want it so badly... asking for that hug is just as hard as getting it unexpectedly...
I've been really wanting to ask for one  especially lately with everything all that's gone on.. but I have yet been able to ask or initiate it.....

Weird how I ended up on this subject..wasn't what I was planning at all... I'm in a weird kind of foggy place.. I woke up rather foggy and kept hitting snooze.. I really fought getting out of bed and moving at all...I hate days like this.. when I feel like I never woke up.. then the events of the rest of the day seem surreal and I'm not really sure if the day happened or not..

This would be the lead into a flooded time....these are my red flags that I'm headed for trouble...when I should be reaching out and instead I isolate and ignore it until it get so big I can't handle it or reach out..

The scale today (my head scale) went all over the place.....I am lucky.. I have a therapist I have access to after hours... I have used the after hours on call system on quite a few occasions....but I have always waited until I have become so overwhelmed that I'm already at the cutting phase or suicide ideation...I have yet to learn after all these years to call when my scale is at a 4 or 5 instead of 9 or 10....I'm already bawling and panicking....I guess I feel when I'm at a 4 or 5 it's not worth calling (I'm not worth it) or it really doesn't matter. or it's stupid...no, I have to wait till it's so bad that there is no coming down....

How am I doing?  I guess we'll find out...Till then

As always, as always......hang in....

HURTING ME

Well it's an all nighter and I'm chugging my Folgers....

I have no particular reason for still being awake except my mind is racing , won't shut off..and I forgot to take my meds tonight.

So here I am writing whatever my mind wants to say...
I'm going away for a few days thanks to Thanksgiving....my boys and I are visiting a friend in Indiana...We are all excited ....looking forward to seeing my friend again.. it's been a year...

While we are gone my daughter (Ariel) will be making sure my cats are cared for....I'm sure her and the boyfriend will be hanging out here....

Whatever, I have a few days away from reality...always a good thing...

I've been trying to be "mindful" of my thoughts, moods...watching for triggers... and I'm interested to see how my "moods" are in this short escape..

The last 24 hours I have noticed quite a big fluctuation... incredible highs and drastic lows...
I've lost a little time and do not know why....there has been no self injury which is a good change...normally when I lose time I find I have hurt myself after..but not in these last 2 weeks..it's a relief to know I'm not needing that.. I don't know why and I don't care ..I'm just glad it's not happening.

I posted the :  Bill Of Rights OF Self Injurers a couple of posts ago , but I  have not talked about my struggle with it..
When I am triggered...flashbacks, nightmares..I do self injure..I'm what they call a cutter...not a nice name at all and causes shame.....if I was with you face to face I would never tell you.. I would hide my scars...

Self injurers hurt themselves for many reasons....some actually do it to follow their peer group..some do it for attention...I do it to cut the bad out...and to feel again..

Sometimes I'm so numb I feel nothing and cutting ...physical pain helps me to feel...brings me back..
and when it's from a flash back ...I need to be punished and I need to cut to hurt...and let the bad out of me...It's very hard to explain....I hope in my healing to someday not need to punish myself..that I'm not a bad little girl...

its quite a different experience to write about my self injury practices when I'm not acting on it.. It's actually quite a relief ..maybe even releasing some of that shame...

Shame is a horrible thing...and I carry quite a bit of it...somehow writing about is a kind of a relief..

I'm doing OK writing this ..it even feels good.....

SEASONS OF LOVE

CHILLS this gives me ... How do YOU measure your life?

STEPPING OUT

Zoom zoom zoom everything is going so fast...

Did you ever stop and and be still just be still....I have experienced that this week...but it's frightening to me.. it seems like things are moving so quickly..
Sometimes I am so stuck on the inside that I can't see the outside...and I think I might be waking up...

A friend recently said to me she has never seen me move forward so quickly before...and I had to stop and think about this...and she's right...
Relationships, kids, even therapy is moving fast..

This is an incredibly frightening and exciting thing...frightening because I have become comfortable where I have been..even in the muck...it's easier to stay stuck in the bad because it's what I know or have always known..it takes no courage to stay in the bad.. it does however take courage to change and fight for the good..

To step out of the victim role...to step out of the "poor me" role into the "Here I am", I am strong role is a big step...and very UN comfortable..

How I actually do this I am not exactly sure..it just seems to be happening....
My security blanket I still have grasped in my hand , but with a much loser grip....

Now I am gonna screw up, backslide..the old tapes in my head really create havoc..they step in and fight me every step of the way...and normally I sit back and allow that to happen...I hear the voice of my abusers and believe what I hear...I've learned that..and it's been a constant learning in my life...but I have also heard that voice deep inside yelling , screaming..STOP, STOP it now...shut up damn you, leave me alone...and it's that voice I'm relying on to to pull me out of the muck..

It's so much harder to hear that voice..to listen....

The tears are falling now just as I'm writing this and the fear that comes along with change..but I'm tired so tired of being here in this place....and I'm in the give up or go on phase...a new season..

I'm Tired of being beat up and beating myself up...tired of going through the motions..watching life go by and not experiencing life with some kind of joy some kind of light...

So I'm wiping my tears, taking a deep breath (not too deep), standing up and taking a step. OK, OK a baby step, but a step nonetheless ...

I hope to share as much of this new season as I can.. in sharing I am helping myself and my prayer is to reach others to know they are not alone and there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

As always, as always.........hang in....

HERE I AM

Here I am
Sam I am

I'm telling my stories
sharing my words

It's easy to come to her
when she sleeps

i showed her the pictures
the acts of the day

no more she could bear
she ran away in fear

She needs to meet me
and hear what I say

She needs to speak it
before a new day

she fights and she fights
but she's going the wrong way

instead of seeing me
she's running away

i try to talk to you
but she hides me away

she wakes in the night
her heart beating fast

she turns on the voice
that pushes me out of her head

i need to be heard 

i need to share the words

it's the only way to save
me and her

the urgency is here
she needs to understand

help her to hear me
help her to see

take her to the beach
to find me

An Inside look into living with PTSD and DID Interview with BONGO IS ME…..

I am honored to to have a guest post....written by a good friend Jessica Brant : http://findingonesway.com
 
When you think of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder what is the first thing that comes to mind? For me it conjures up images of solders that have fought on the front lines, You know the ones like the soldiers you see in the movies who get flashbacks and nightmares from the frightening events that have taken place on the battle fields during combat.

In reality PTSD can be triggered by any traumatic event that includes violent personal assaults, such as domestic violence, repeated sexual abuse, natural or human-caused disasters, accidents, and military combat.

Most people that experience danger feel afraid, which is a normal reaction. This fear triggers a split-second change in the body chemistry in order to prepare a defense against the danger. This “fight-or-flight” response is a normal and healthy reaction meant to protect us from harm.

With PTSD, this reaction is changed or damaged. People who suffer from PTSD may feel stressed or frightened even when they’re no longer in danger, as in the case of many domestic violence abuse survivors.
These symptoms are grouped into three categories:
Re-experiencing symptoms:
In which the victim has flashbacks and relives the trauma over and over again accompanied by physical symptoms such as sweating, and a racing heart, bad dream and frightening thoughts. In re-experiencing these symptoms a person’s everyday routine is disrupted. It starts from a person’s own thoughts and feelings. Triggers can come from word, an object, a smell, or an event.
Avoidance symptoms:
Things that remind a person of a traumatic event can trigger avoidance symptoms, which can cause a person to change his or her personal routine. Staying away from people, events, and objects that remind them of the experience, feeling emotionally numb, strong quilt, depression, and worry. They lose interest in things they once enjoyed in the past. They also have trouble remembering the dangerous events that took place.
Hyperarousal symptoms:
Consist of being easily startled, feeling tense or “on edge” jumping out of your skin when someone gets close to you, or attempts to get physical with you. These symptoms make a person feel stressed and angry. Hyperarousal symptoms are usually constant and don’t ease up.

Often time PTSD goes hand and hand with Dissociative Identity Disorder commonly referred to as DID.

The diagnosis of DID requires that at least two personalities routinely take control of a person’s behavior that is associated with memory loss which goes beyond normal forgetfulness. {1} People diagnosed with DID often report that they have experienced severe physical and sexual abuse, especially during their childhood.
Such is that case with Bonnie the writer of Bongo Is Me. In speaking to her she enlightened me to the fact that when she gets over whelmed with circumstance that are out of her control, “I can feel myself literally going away, it usually stems from thoughts flashbacks, nightmares and emotions”.
Her disassociation began when she was 5 years old, and has persisted through her adult years. Bonnie’s alter would come out during the beating she received from her husband whom she was married to for 21 years. She has described the presents of her alter as a movie clip taking place in her mind as the beatings from her husband took place.
Bonnie self diagnosed herself in 1999. In 2000 she was professionally diagnosed with having PSTD and DIDNOS. She is well on her way to recovery and is currently in therapy. I urge you to read more about her Journey on the pages of Bongo Is Me.

{1} American Psychiatric Association (2000-06). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders DSM-IV TR (Text Revision)

Related articles

• What are the Symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in the Military? (brighthub.com)
• Post-traumatic stress disorder – All Information (umm.edu)

THANK YOU

WOW today I was checking my stats on this blog and realized I had over 3000 hits in the 2 months since this blog has been open.. how overwhelming that is..


I originally started writing to help myself.. to get my thoughts out of my head and down in words....I needed relief from my own emotions..

I never imagined that my words would reach so many people all over the world..
I've received many comments here on the blog and hundreds of emails with encouraging words....I am so overwhelmed in a good way...

I never imagined anyone would want to know anything about me or my blog.. that my words even mattered.. except to me...

 
So many of you have emailed me asking questions and thanking me for writing what they themselves can not say... WOW I mean WOW...


I am now humbled to know that I have touched others.. that others can relate..and that maybe even my words are helping them on their own journey...
it such an awesome feeling and  incredible responsibility...

I have said many times in my head and to others that through my life experience if I could just touch one person .. to just let someone else know they are not alone then maybe it was all worth it...maybe that's how GOD turns something very bad into something good..

I just wanted to thank you.. Thank each and every one of you .. and please ohh please hang in there with me ...

I'd like to end with a phrase a friend says often..

As always, As always....hang in.....

I WAS ASHAMED

Ten years ago I started blogging...it was always private...just for me..I didn't want the world to know my ugliness...I didn't think anyone would ever care..I was ashamed


But as of late I have become overwhelmed with this blog... the comments and words of encouragement.


It scared me.. I'm not used to people thinking I'm brave or strong...I'm more used to being thought of as stupid worthless or silly..
So when the comments were coming in and it was all about encouragement and being strong I was about ready to run....I was hearing you've said too much ..now you're in trouble..
I know that comes from old tapes in my head and fighting them is a struggle...
I talked a bit about this with Z today...and he read me Sam's poem...
We talked about taking just one memory and processing it...that thought made me ill. Sam had wrote him a memory in email....I could not read it.. I read the first sentence and immediately threw up..
I know he's right that this is the next step in healing but I'm petrified.. to speak it is to relive it,, to feel all that pain again ..I trust Z immensely...I emailed him to say I need you to keep me safe.. and I mean it because I don't know how to keep me safe in the mist of the tornado.....

And also to be able to post this healing journey step by step.. to sharing the details here about the process..just writing this has me in tears...and knowing Z would talk about it today even with Ativan I was shaking on the inside and out..



I don't know what this will all look like,, how it will play out...but the fear is already there....I know Z always prays after a session.. but I think I will ask him to pray before too....I will need to know that God is there also...
I've already shared drawings with Z that I have done this week.. and they are telling a story....of Sam and the memories..
To put everything into words is going to be very very hard..and I'm hoping I don't lose me (whoever that is) in the mist of this..
So I am asking for prayers, well wishes,good thoughts etc..for me and Sam as we enter a new phase of therapy,,, a new phase of healing...

I hope you all hang in there with me