The other day I was remembering my first dog..Zippie...I still love him and I still hurt...for every friend/relationship I still cry when I think about them...I don't know how to let them go...
I talked about it a little with Z ... I decided I wanted to know some of the details of his leaving.. I wanted some kind of visual ..something to hang onto and maybe an understanding that would help me let go.....
but I've been bawling since... this was my most safest relationship in life.. it went way beyond the walls of the blue room...he stepped out of the box for me....in the most wonderful way..I trust him but he also trusted me... that has never happened before...
The problem is that I'm about to lose the relationship ..the person...the one who truly gave me a safe place..
I feel very selfish...I know his heart, I know why he's going and it's a beautiful UN selfish thing he is doing,,,,but I hate it,,,I hate God being so strong in his heart..I hate that God brought him into my life and now is taking him away...sure it's his choice to go but it's God leading him..
Trust is something that is hard for me...very hard.....I am always on guard for the hurt to come...for 5 or 6 years I tested Z...and one day I realized I could stop testing .. the trust was there..and I could invest in the relationship and share some of the dirtiest parts of me and he would not look at me differently....he would still touch me..... an important moment...
I knew he was tired,, tired of all of it,,, not me..just the whole scene..(clients always know first) and I knew where his heart really was...I just always hoped it would change...
He would like to see me transition to someone else..with his help..I just don't have it in me...
I asked him how he would live not being around his kids and grand kids,, he didn't have much of answer about that except it would be hard ...
I emailed and asked him if he would give me permission to have my entire file copied, (a big task) I don't know the answer to that yet.. but I'm hoping he will give permission... there is only one person in that office I trust to do it...
He's allowed me to tell him details of my hurt...to share the bad things that were done to me... for that I am forever grateful...but to know I am now losing that hurts....
Even my beach is not safe without him in it...without his voice to guide me...
How does one do this? How do I let go of everything safe...
Z tried to give me that hug today.. he touched me in the way he used to a safe side hug...and I so wanted to fall into it and was sooo afraid of falling apart.. Z said I never have to be afraid of that with him..but I am..because it will hurt so bad...
I am so not in a good place now.... circumstances around me.. being unemployed cause no one wants me...being totally broke and Christmas is 2 weeks away.....not being able to care for my kids.... memories flooding me and fragmentation is worse... and now my safety being taken away...
The thoughts of giving up and just going away are incredibly strong and the thought of acting on it has become intense.... I have started to put my affairs in order...they need to be right....it's all in my control to stop the pain forever....
I've grown very tired......and the mountains have grown too high...and God ? I can't seem to find him...I'm too angry...
I don't remember Z saying As always today :(
Maybe it doesn't matter anymore........................
Just wanted to say I'm sorry you're going through this horrible unsettling and agonising time of change. God is there with you right in the middle of the pain but because it hurts so much you can't feel Him, but He is right there with you. Rooting for ya!!
ReplyDeletePRINCESS FI: Thank you....you're right I can't see nor feel him in this...thank you for always rooting for me... I love that...xoxoxoxo
ReplyDelete<3
ReplyDeletePrincess FI is right. God is there with you, in the middle of all of this pain. Our creator gave his only begotten son, as a ransom so that our sins could be forgiven (bear with me cause I know you know this part) He put HIMSELF through the pain of watching his son Jesus Christ die for us. And Jesus Christ put himself through the pain of dying for US. They didnt do it for themselves. They were perfect. They did it for us. That is more love than I could even imagine because I couldnt do that for someone. I could give up my own life but not one of my loved ones for someone else. If you have learned to put that kind of trust in an imperfect human (Z), try to learn to put that same trust in the one that created you and me and Z. The one that IS PERFECT. I hope that I didn't make you angry with this comment BUT the way I look at it right now is that you are already angry. And If I say nothing, then I didnt even try. With that said. I love you my friend XO
ReplyDeleteBonnie, I am echoing what the others have already said, God is with you. Faith is the substance of things not seen, not felt. Trust that God is there, lean on Him - He is so strong and able to help you through this pain and this transition.
ReplyDeleteHe promised never to leave us or forsake us and His promises are ones that we can ALWAYS trust. Close the world out Bonnie - listen to the song in this link. Don't just listen, participate. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6utemQlVUoA&feature=related
Praying for you, much love.
Widow_Lady302 : Thank you <3
ReplyDeleteMJasper: Thank you for your words...No you did not anger me.....I did put my trust in a human...that human has been like Jesus with skin on to me...I didn't know it existed...but he is here and present , I can see him before me....Jesus I can picture...but can not feel nor see...I wish I could..I call myself a Christian..but I wonder if I died today if I would be accepted into the heaven I have visualized?
ReplyDeletekrislukings: I wish very much that I could close the world out....It's a real challenge for me to trust in something I can not Feel, hear or see.
ReplyDeletethank you for your words and the video.. I have shared it on my facebook wall...
I just wanted to take a moment to say hello and let you know that I took the time to read quite a few of your blog posts. I can relate to much, having many mental illness issues myself. I saw a therapist for 5 years. That was 3 years ago. Now, I am 1000 miles away from her and feel like a little girl lost.
ReplyDeleteI hope you do find some comfort in knowing you are not alone in this world. I hate that these are the things that bring so many of us together, these similarities. But, at least we know someone is there to listen, and someone will understand.
I will be stopping by again.
Chrystal Mahan
Chrystal : Wow I am honored that you took time to read my writings...I understand that little girl lost feeling.. it goes far beyond just the loss of my therapist...though right now that is what is up front..it is comforting to know I am not alone...and this blog has helped with connecting..
ReplyDeleteIt is sad that it takes pain and suffering to connect...but you are right... someone is listening and someone somewhere understands..Thank you for coming along...As always...