Z suggested that maybe I need a new safe place or a new work place..since SAM and I are working it is making my beach a not safe place for me...he said I need to talk to her and let her know.. Only she already knows because she was there...she was talking to me and over riding Z's voice ..I kept going to her without being at the beach....I no longer have to go to the beach to be with her....I no longer have a safe place to be with her,
For those of you that don't understand what I am talking about here....It's name is DID: Dissociative Identity Disorder....when there is extreme trauma the brain in a sense separates....creates "Alters" creates ones to take the pain.....when the physical pain was so bad I went away (dissociated ) and Sam and others came and took the pain so I wouldn't feel it.. so I could survive..
The type of abuse that brought this on was horrific sexual abuse from the age of 5-12...
And now 40 years later I have become aware of the "alters" and they are interfering in my life.. creating havoc.. They were very much needed while the abuse was taking place...the incredible physical and emotional pain would have killed me if I could not go away..
And now Sam is very present and she wants me to see the pain...she shows me pictures...when Z asked what pictures I went away in the blueroom I could not speak of them....Sam says tell him.. let me speak,,,,but I couldn't ...I don't know how.
She keeps tellin me she wants to speak yet she says we can't say anything because we would be in trouble...We were threatened if we told, it would hurt worse...or someone would die..
Even with my desire to know God and trust him ..I can not find him in this.. I don't believe he will intervene in this....
If it is true that the memories must come out and be processed before it can be contained and healing occurs.. then I'm not so sure I am brave enough to do it...
I went today and listened to Z who said to stay in the car until I was again present....Sam was in the car with me....she said I was ready to go and we have things to talk about..So we drove away
So here I am trying to write this out so that her voice will stop ....the tears keep on falling...the only place i can be with Sam is at the beach.. it's scary still but it is still mine..I have to go back
Z talked about containment on the phone the other day...He's right I was able to contain a horrible memory in his desk drawer... Z spent 4 hours with me in a extended session to try and have a breakthrough... which we did.....I talked about shame and fear and guilt...by the time the session heated up I told him what the shame was from....during the sexual abuse I felt good at times.. my 9 year old body reacted to touch...I experience my first orgasm...and I felt like a bad bad little girl.. I didn't understand the body will react and I couldn't control that...and we talked about it and then locked it in the drawer....it was a relief to speak it and be able to look in Z's eyes and not see disgust...he still looked at me the same way.....that is still locked in the drawer....but it took years and all those hours till I was able to speak it...still when I think about it I have body memories but they are contained and I can work out of it..
My fear lies in the fact I have to do it again with the other memories....and I just don't wanna feel it..and I don't wanna take all that time to get there.....
But they are there right at the surface beckoning to come out..
So I will have to be at the beach with Sam again... and I have to let her speak it for me..and I will have to feel it.. I just don't really know what that looks like....
so for now I'm trying to refocus here in this blog.. and I have my sketch pad to draw....
And SAM is quiet for now..just for now...
OMG!!!!!!!! Congratulations! I am soooooooooooo proud of you!!
ReplyDeleteOne huge - o - ginormous step for Bongo.
Remember the first step is always the hardest. With practice you will be able to move forward more freely. The next revelation not as horrific to process. The chain of silence and secrecy has been broken and you are now able to move ahead without being chained to that horrific burden of shame.
I remember a lady who worked at the youth farm. She was also a survivor of sexual abuse. She pointed out how confusing and long term problematic it is that the abuse can involve pleasurable feelings. She said that she had never experienced a relationship that provided the same degree of pleasurable sexual stimulation and how deeply disappointing that was in her relationships and her marriage.
That was the first time that I became aware that abuse could involve aspects that were pleasurable and that when it does, it brings even more issues and areas that are affected in the survivors life. Way beyond what I had anticipated or imagined. As I am sure there is way more. That is why you will help others in ways non-victoms will never be able to grasp, comprehend, or understand.
I always wondered about the shame. I thought it revolved primarily around the subject of being responsible for the abuse in some way. Now you have educated me about another aspect of the shame. Thank you.
I am sure you are healing others today with the honesty of your blog. Lifting that weight a little from someone else that hasn't dared to acknowledge it to themselves or anyone else. Someone else who has yet found the strength.
GOD BLESS YOU!
I don't suppose House MD is the best show to watch for 'therapy' but it is entertaining.
ReplyDeleteAhhhhhhhhhhh HOUSE I so love him...Perfect therapy LOLOLOL
ReplyDeleteThe picture I use here for the therapist is taken from and HBO series called IN TREATMENT...This amazing therapists name is Paul Weston.. My fantasy therapist LOL
ANONYMOUS: This has been an enormous step...The shame for me is the worst part of the abuse..I was so ashamed to tell anyone that something felt good during horrible abuse..at 9 yrs old I thought something was wrong with me.. I didn't understand that I couldn't control my body reactions.. I do now..but it took years to understand that...thank you for your kudos :)
ReplyDeleteWow Bongo. I want to tell you that God is on your side - He is cheering you on towards healing.
ReplyDeleteYou have given me a new understanding of some things and I thank you for that. I am so sorry that you know these things - but so thankful that you are sharing so that others will not feel so alone. Praying for you...
Kris: thank you so much for your encouraging words...I like you, think if I can touch just one then it is all worth it ....You have also given me new understanding and I thank you for that... :)
ReplyDeleteBongo, I really love your words! You really speak from the heart and openly and honestly. To me, the ability to connect with people is what makes a good writer and the use of that talent to let others know that they are not alone is the greatest thing someone here can do.
ReplyDeleteI hope you don't mind that I am linking your blog on my Roll :)
Randomlystrange: Thank you for your encouraging words...I love that you are coming along on my journey..The idea is to touch someone so they too know they are not alone.....I don't mind at all you adding my blog...Thank you for doing that :)
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