FOGGY INSIDE

Therapy again...it was a little different today.. definitely uncomfortable...I feared what Z would bring up.. I know what I had swirling in my mind..and I  knew what I wanted to avoid..
There are all kinds of signs saying I'm ready but the reality is I'm not.. I don't want to be..
My heart is heavy today and the tears are falling..we just touched on a little but a little is a lot...

I walked in shaking from the inside out..We looked at sketches I had done...the sketches are beginning to tell about the memories that haunt me...but in looking at them or talking about them brings back the feelings...the body memories... my heart races and tummy does flips.. It's OK when I'm drawing them..dissociating a bit while drawing..it's after when I see what is there that I feel stuff...


Today Z said the word screwdriver and asked me about the brush...I could feel it on my skin..




It was really uncomfortable today.... some sessions go so fast and I want more time.. others like today seem like they last forever..
The tears were already falling before I got out the door..I sat in the car for a little while but not long..I just needed to get out of there ..
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I hate that I leave there smiling and giggling and as soon as I leave I have a bawling fest and then stuck with it...sometimes for a few hours sometimes a few days...

I have already emailed Z to tell him what I want to try Wednesday... I want to go to the beach.. and I want to try and talk about the memories while I am there. SAM can help me.. I just don't know if the mind can focus on 2 things at one.. the beach in itself is a visualization...and I have to focus.. then to focus on Z's voice ...asking questions.. I'm not sure how that works.. I don't think I could communicate without him asking the questions.. I don't think I would communicate at all.. and as far as Sam communicating , I don't know how that happens... Up till now she has not communicated other then through email and pictures... though in her writing she has said she wants to speak..
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Z asked me about a particular sketch today... it was Sam .. she has her cut up arm kinda of reaching out...That's the way I see her at the beach.. her arm is always outstretched..like help me.. but yet you can't touch her.. I have tried many times.. even when she meets me here at home.. she jumps away when I try to touch her.. she does love to play with my hair which I too enjoy..

Z said something about her not wanting to be  touched.. I don't remember exactly what he said but it was something to the effect of .."look what touch has been to her" touch has always hurt her....

I love to hug.. a hug to me says I'm OK, I'm loved, comforted, not disgusting, not bad...But it's me that needs to initiate the hug.. when someone else tries to hug me I freeze , hold my breath..can't wait till it's over...I only recently told Z how I hated the shoulder to shoulder half hugs he would give me..I had let it happen all along.. finally had to tell him... and now we resort to shaking hands..that's not exactly the touch I need but until I know what I do need and what is comfortable ..the handshake will remain...

I have hugged Z on 2 occasions in 7 years...and I just wanted to melt in it and bawl and be held like a baby...I have since avoided them..... I'm always afraid I'll fall apart act like a baby and be seen as stupid.. so I don't allow it.....even though at the same time I want it so badly... asking for that hug is just as hard as getting it unexpectedly...
I've been really wanting to ask for one  especially lately with everything all that's gone on.. but I have yet been able to ask or initiate it.....

Weird how I ended up on this subject..wasn't what I was planning at all... I'm in a weird kind of foggy place.. I woke up rather foggy and kept hitting snooze.. I really fought getting out of bed and moving at all...I hate days like this.. when I feel like I never woke up.. then the events of the rest of the day seem surreal and I'm not really sure if the day happened or not..

This would be the lead into a flooded time....these are my red flags that I'm headed for trouble...when I should be reaching out and instead I isolate and ignore it until it get so big I can't handle it or reach out..

The scale today (my head scale) went all over the place.....I am lucky.. I have a therapist I have access to after hours... I have used the after hours on call system on quite a few occasions....but I have always waited until I have become so overwhelmed that I'm already at the cutting phase or suicide ideation...I have yet to learn after all these years to call when my scale is at a 4 or 5 instead of 9 or 10....I'm already bawling and panicking....I guess I feel when I'm at a 4 or 5 it's not worth calling (I'm not worth it) or it really doesn't matter. or it's stupid...no, I have to wait till it's so bad that there is no coming down....

How am I doing?  I guess we'll find out...Till then

As always, as always......hang in....