Image via WikipediaBeing UN employed is a miserable state to find yourself in...For me personally it's a direct path down to the black hole..I have too much time to sit around and do nothing.. too much time to think...and an open door for depression...
I have struggled with depression my entire life ...but when circumstances around me stagnate then I'm vulnerable to giant jumps downward.
I struggle with thoughts of worthlessness...I feel I have no purpose...and this is when the suicide ideation becomes stronger..
I find myself waiting for the day to be over just so I can do it again the next day..
This to me is existence...it is surviving but it is not thriving ..
I don't understand what thriving is.. I have never experienced it..I don't even have a concept in my mind about thriving...
In my recent thinking I have realized that I have gone from one abusive situation to another..
as a young child I was sexually abused..
as a teen to early 20's I went from man to man abusing myself and letting them abuse me..
In my late 20's I was married ..not for love but for fantasy..he went on to use his fists..and convinced me I was crazy along the way..
I've chosen friends who verbally and emotionally abused me...and supplied me with reasons to believe I was worthless and damaged goods..
And the worse part is I sat back and allowed it to happen..
And today I sit here hearing all the voices of the past telling me I'm no good, stupid, ugly..just worthless..
For those of you that know me..and my new readers..I am on a heavy medication..to get me through the nights...it wards off the nightmares and flashbacks...I usually sleep deep ,, but last night I woke many times..in fear...I immediately pulled out my tape of the beach and drifted back to sleep..but I kept waking with one particular flashback and thoughts of my own death...
I am still feeling the effects of the nightmare..
I shake from the inside out and feel like I'm a balloon about to pop ...
So I'm sitting here in an attempt to write away the thoughts/feelings...
The thoughts or voices in my head become so overwhelming and I just scream inside ..STOP !!!!!!!!
There is a part inside that just wants to give up....it gets so tired of fighting.. so very tired...the idea of just closing my eyes and sleeping sounds so peaceful and appealing..
And there is a part that refuses to give up and wants to fight and fight strong..
It's listening to that strong voice that's so hard to do..It's just a whisper and so hard to hear..
So I sit here today behind this screen trying to hear it more clearly.. trying to find a purpose a reason to exist ..to survive..
Heck who knows maybe someday to thrive...
This is the first chance I've gotten to visit your blog..and I'm going to make the effort to visit it often in the future. I just want you to know that I'm really touched by your story. You've had so much suffering it seems throughout your whole life, at the hands of others and it seems to have created the pattern of finding still others to cause you pain. Know that I will pray for you, that you will find peace with your emotions and be able to let your past pains go.
ReplyDeleteI believe you will thrive! You seem to be a very intelligent and sensitive person...sometimes that can be a strength and other times, sensitivity can cause us to be a bit more wounded than others in some situations. I think it takes a lot of strength to be open towards your emotions to others and you are very articulate about your feelings and experiences. You are a person that can heal, that can conquer, than can thrive. I pray you feel a glimmer of hope on this day and it grows ever brighter with time towards an future illuminated with joy.
~blessings
Jessica M: WOWWWWWW.. I was totally overwhemled when I read you comment..Thank you so much :)
ReplyDeleteAgreed I am a very sensitive person...and it is a strength and a curse..the sensitivity does aid in the intuitive side of me ..the part I enjoy..I appreciate and will accept and and all prayer ...Thank you for reading me :)
It WILL get better. You have a lot of insight as to what happened to you and you and I dont think you will let it happen to you ever again. That's progress. And by slowly weeding out the negative things in your life-friends, family, whatever--you are slowly building a life that you will indeed Thrive in, not just survive.
ReplyDeleteLora: Thank you so much for your comment..You're right I'm very "mindful" of my relationships now..and I don't intend on ever being in an abusive relationship again..Some of the weeding is hard to do..letting go of what I thought I needed..but baby steps..a work in progress ...thank you for reading me :)
ReplyDeleteTheres not much I can add to the last two insightful comments, just to try and listen to the strong voice, it wants to be heard and you do want to har it, also just know that there are people who care about you, reading your heartfelt and truthful writings its hard for me not to care deeply about you.
ReplyDeletePlease keep fighting, its worth it and one day you will "Live in the light".
http://kevinwheeler.co.uk/2009/03/01/to-live-in-the-light-or-hide-in-the-dark/
Perhaps this isn't altogether applicable but perhaps you might want to read it anyway.
Kevin:
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your thoughts and comments ..I truly look forward to them.. you inspire me :)
On my way to check out your link XXX
That is a tough life, Ms. Bongo, but I am glad you are in Christ.
ReplyDeleteI pray for your spiritual and physical healing as much as possible in your future.
Russ:)
Ms. Bongo...I love that LOL....Yeh it's been tough but it's ok I really am a survivor...and I am in Christ...God and I we fight a lot..but somehow he always wins...imagine that :):):)
ReplyDeleteI thank you for praying ....I never turn away prayers :):):)
Well, the above comments kind of say it all, so, I will just send you a big virtual hug ((((hugs))) and I sincerely hope you start to feel better. I've been close to where you are and I can definitely relate.
ReplyDeleteBongo, you are not alone. There are many of us who were abused as children and again as we entered adulthood. You are an inspiration to us all. To have the courage to write about your story and let your story be heard shows that you are an extremely strong person. Keep posting hun, you will get through this and you will overcome your nightmares.
ReplyDeleteWhat has helped me in the past is to take control over the nightmares by writing them in a book every time I have them. The more I wrote them down the more I tweaked the ending and eventually took charge over the whole situation. Take back control! You are in my thoughts and prayers hun.