Thursday, June 5, 2014


The water is rough..
the waves are high..
the force of the waves push me under over and over again...
 I fight with all my strength just to get to the surface..
 for one gasp of life saving air...
but the wave hits again...
and I fight once again for that gasp of air...
I fight you see...
over and over again...

but I get so tired..
until there is no strength left..
 year after year..
month after month..
day after day..
 minute after minute...
over and over and over again..

praying each moment for an end to the struggle...

going through the motions not knowing whats real and whats not.
relationships that don't truly exist disappear as if it never really was..

a mothers heart that's torn to shreds each and every day..
wondering what she did wrong?

Therapy ..
a long and drawn out process..
makes your relive each and every horrific moment.
the word love is tossed around like a balloon..
you scan the room to see if it's real or a fantasy in your own twisted mind..

nothing stops the noise inside..
 you toss and turn at night trying to quiet the noise....
you wake form vivid nightmares not knowing where you are..
on Thursday your wondering what happened on Wednesday..

and the the word love again..
"I love you that much"
and you wonder if not for yourself can you fight for those words..
"I love you that much"..

can you ?

Together.. I love you


Tuesday, March 25, 2014


Brave Heart Award Announcement

The Brave Heart Mission 
To encourage all those whom have been abused to share their hope with others so that they will no longer be a victim but a survivor.

                                                  What is The Brave Heart Award? 
The Brave Heart Award is for Survivor’s of abuse and for those whom encourage healing.
              I am honored to have received this very special award
I now have to answer 12 questions:

1. Tell us a little bit about your  blog. Who designed it?

The original idea was mine ..but I had some good friends spend a lot of time tweaking it

2. What is the title and description  of your blog?

BONGO IS ME .. it's about my journey through Trauma Therapy and hopefully healing.

3. Who is your intended audience ?

 For anyone that needs to know they are not alone.. for anyone looking to educate themselves about DID or even Therapy.

4. How did you come up with the title of your blog?

 Bongo is the name of my strongest alter.. she's also the friendliest

5. Give us an interesting fun fact about your blog.

I have screwed up graphics and html a lot I have had to call on friends often.. thnx friends :)

6. What other blogs do you own and what makes them alike?

I have 2 other blogs but they are older and private journal type

7. Do you have any unique talents or hobbies?

I really don't have any talents .. I like to research and fix computers

8. How can we contact you or find out more about your blog?

 You can contact me through the pink contact button on the blog .. or you can email me at

9. What can we expect from you in the future?

 lot's more talk about Therapy and any info I can find on DID

10. What can readers who enjoy your blog do to help make your blog more successful?

Let me know they are there..leave  a comment short or long.. I also need to know I am not alone.

11. Do you have any tips for readers or advice for other writers/bloggers?

What ever you do or write jusi be honest.. don't edit your thoughts and feeling .. be real  

12. Before you go, could you share a snippet from your blog?

Heres a snippet of my real life series.. I am always looking for bloggers to guest post here 


This is the first of a series of  guest posts's about real struggle..real life...real pain...and getting through to the other side....thank you to all my guests for helping my find my voice....this first post is from a new friend Stuart Nager.....Please show Stuart the love and encouragement you have to me.....

The phone at home just rang and rang. 
Not just in the morning. Not just in the afternoon.
 The entire day I was at work, doing a double shift,
 opening and closing the restaurant. Before cell phones, 
and no way other way of contact, 
I had to wait until the place was closed
 and all the night work was done.
One O’Clock in the morning, 
and racing up the NYS Thruway to get home, 
hoping all was all right. 
Thirty plus miles of worrying and fear. 
 Nothing was going to be OK for a long time.......... 

Tuesday, March 4, 2014


Do you ever find yourself staring at a blank page ...
with so much to say yet the fear stops you..
I have done so much especially in therapy...
yet I have not written a thing

we have used regression which definitely helps yet the residua effects are horrible...
i've been through a phase of flooding ..
 which means you are having flashbacks and feeling it in your body...
 as if it is happening now
not a fun thing..
 thank God for P..

because with drugs and her help with her caring spirit I was able to calm it down..
I'm still goin through periods of anxiety that I yet understand...
and a depression that won't quit...

I have been considering closing down this blog for multiple reasons ...
yet I have not been able to do it...

I also run a rather popular blog group that I have been unable to make a decision about,,

just this week i did something I had never done before..
 I blocked someone on facebook..

it is a horrible feeling and the guilt is making me sick..
 thank God again I have P to keep me on track..

I hate this disease called DID and I hate abuse of me and others..

I don't know what to do as of now..
 today i slept through an appt with P which is unusual..

but I think I really needed a deep sleep with no nightmares or anxiety...

i'm finding it really hard to talk about what I see in regression..

I'm having a really hard time sharing anything...
and i think it's making me sick...

i don't know what the hell i want to say here...
I find myself (Bongo) really binging ...
and (juju) starving..
I find sam hiding and quiet..
I also find there are a few missing..

I would really like to sleep forever..



Tuesday, January 28, 2014


I find myself again in a place ...
that I want to shut down..
close my eyes sleep away the day ..
make it all go away...

I find myself communicating less and less ..
with anyone ..
including P..

I want to hide it..
make it not real..
live in fantasy land..

I want things to change ...
yet the work..
the process scares the hell outta me..

I don't want to remember...
see, touch, smell...

after all that's why I split off to begin with..
 to lock it all away..
Why now would I want to open a wound ..
 pour salt and watch as I physically and emotionally crumble?

I can't write what I feel ...
or I risk scaring those close to me..

Just waking everyday is exhausting..
even sleeping is exhausting.

I use so much energy hiding ..
yet too afraid to remove the mask ..

I had a dream that P was on the other side of the lake....
I couldn't get to her...
I was horrified...
but why did I dream that to begin with..
what did I need from her?

I found a song that moved my soul...
Have a listen :



Wednesday, December 25, 2013


Sometimes you have nothing to say...
and other times ..
like now..
you have so much to say and no words to say it ...

So so much has happened ...
in the last 6 months or so....
yet I have been living the life of avoidance...

now there is so much in my head...
 I wanna curl up in my bed and slip away .....

There has been forward movement ...
yet also backward movement too..

just one day ...
one little day..
I wish someone could join me in my head and know what I see..

I wish I could say what I see or feel ...
without being afraid of someones reaction..

Yes I can do that with P...
yet there is so much I won't say even to her..

my little world of isolation seems to be growing...
I am less and less of myself and more of others..

I think we had a breakthrough last week....
yet I feel so sad I can not celebrate it..

the black cloud of depression is evil..
it robs you of yourself..

and my faith???? well it's not there...
i don't know what this is right now...
but I do not like it....
it does not feel good...

I feel as a child wanting to be held....
just want to be held.....



Tuesday, October 8, 2013


I should be writing, that's what I'm supposed to do ..

aren't I?
So very much has happened in the past months..
summer which usually is my good season seemed brutal...

All 3 kids going through different chaos....
I met a friend and lost a friend...
My apt burned down..
we had to move and replenish everything,,,
thank God for renters insurance.
Physically I have not felt well and lost an amazing amount of weight..
food doesn't taste or smell good..

Todays session we went back to Jen..
she's 5 years old and sucks her thumb..
she rarely talks but she did talk to P today..

here is her story :

When Jen was 5 it was the best day of her life…
it was her birthday and mommy and daddy bought her a puppy..
he was half collie half husky and all he could do was lick on her…
everywhere she went he followed.. she named him zippy…..
then bad stuff happened but she didn't care cause she could tell her best friend anything and he would keep her secrets….
then when she was 7 mommy moved to a welfare apt..
and weren't allowed dogs…
mommy said daddy took zippy to play on the farm…
it wasn't till years later she found out daddy had him killed and she never forgave him..

This is the Zippy that P gave to Jen..
something to hold on to something to love that is just for her.

she still cries.

Together .. I love you.





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