IT'S ME BONGO

The past few days we have been living in a tornado...
a bottomless pit...

She's gone again...
it's me Bongo ..





She was with P and Bonnie's mother in session together...
Bonnie requested this to try and talk through things
 with P holding her hand ...

something went very wrong..
wrong enough that Bonnie retreated inside..
and no one knows where she is..

we can here her screams for P ... but we can not see her...
we have all had to be out at times to keep doing what some call life...

it's been a struggle..
Sam has been under the stairs in the dark..
sobbing..
she is lost with out Bonnie...

Mckenzie has also been out more..
 as she walks with 2 feet in the water walking to her death...
Lori has appeared..
we don't know much about her..

none of us have knowledge about what went on with
 Bonnie and her mother...
and we don't have the knowledge about how to bring
her back

all Sam wants is to be with P..
she told Sam that in 2 sleeps it would be monday and she can be with her again..
she has one more sleep left...

the noise and darkness inside is so deep..
most of us are feeling trapped with no way out..

one foot in the ocean is dangerous ...
but 2 feet means there's no way out..


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GIRL WITH NO NAME

She's there...
 short black hair...

bright red lipstick..
a pretty dress with the colors:

 red, black and white...
sits flowing just below her knees...



and she stands barefoot...
two feet in the ocean...
she stares straight ahead ....
imagining the peace she is about to find..
a peace she has not found on this earth....

she's going to another place...
where there is no pain no shame no hurt...

she's almost there..

she stands and stares for hours as she..
 walks a little deeper into the water..

the waves come closer and closer.....

she's alone..
just her and the sea...
sea gulls flying above...


the only disturbance is
the noise in her head ..
the voices that are crying out....

she remains nameless...
 and she endures all this
at the young age of 12...

she doesn't want to do it anymore...
she wants it all to be done.

she doesn't know the angel named P
we hope she meets her soon ....


Together... I love you



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CRAZY OR WOUNDED.....

Dissociative Identity Disorder ... (DID)
a curse or a blessing...
crazy or wounded...






I have spent my life researching and researching....
the book knowledge is there..
I know this disorder inside out...
I can help and or explain to others....
the struggle...
I can not explain it to myself..
I do not have answers to my own questions..
Where do I find them...

I know what I see in the mirror.. what do others see?
I know what I hear in my head..

The headaches ...without pain..
the pressure cooker... the explosion...

the things that disappear or appear...
the time .. I can not find....

The ideation that is always there...

the lack of energy.. the will to survive.. disappears...

You question whether this exists....
I question whether it exists..
I question ....

The alters created to help me survive....
why do they hurt me now...

P who remains my rock.. my anchor ..
 the one who has faith..
 who believes in me...
who accepts me for who I am..

 no matter what that is.....

People around the world..
whom I have never met except through words...
hold my hand through whatever this is..

DID...
 a curse.. we are going down...
we feel it....
answers to questions...
where are they....


Together.. I love you

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Emotional Abuse

STUCK

How can I be here again...
that place of silence , panic and fear?

I had a vacation..
I had a special time with a friend...

but I shut down and have not been able to bounce back...








I've been here before..
 this thing called avoidance and Denial..
I bounce back every time...somehow some way...

not this time... I struggle with the chaos inside ..
yet unable to speak about it and find any relief..

you'd think after years of practice I would know how to change it.. I don't

I still have daily contact with P.. she's still in all my crevices.. yet even with her here.. I remain shut down..

I have not visited my beloved beach.. tucked deep inside ..
I'm afraid.. I'm scared...
yet I yearn to be there...

I shut down my computer at night (rare) . that somehow makes me think I can control any communication from inside to anyone outside including P..

Why is this happening? I don't have an answer for myself except fear...
but fear of what?

I still love my corner on P's couch.. yet there is anxiety...
seeing P next to me is a great comfort and often relief...

I came here to write ..without words..
my words make no sense to me...

my anxiety level is very high throughout the day..
flashbacks have been evil.. body memories intense..
thoughts racing and ideation always present...

I find myself worrying more and more about people..
asking questions inside but fear of saying them out loud...

I have found myself praying..
looking for answers and or relief...
waiting.........

Together.. I love you ....


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I AM HERE

I am here...
I don't know where here is.
this space has been dark and quiet ...

I understand so much...
I understand nothing..

I thought I understood...
 this thing called DID..

I was wrong..
I understand nothing..






Process...
that has become the hated word..

Therapy...
no clue what that really meant..

The ones that were there for us....
they are still here..

I don't understand why...

P ...
still my rope to hang on to..

I am here...
Please tell me where I am .....










Together... I love you






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HOW TO SAVE A LIFE

The last 2 weeks have been something out of a horror film...
if I didn't live it I'd think someone was telling me some sci fi movie plot...

i'm switching like lighting bolts...
I can't remember what I have done from minutes to minute...
I hate alcohol and I'm drinking like a fish..

I'm talking to P constantly which seems too much to me..
like let me live my life already ..
don't therapists work monday through friday?
leave me alone..



no I'm not trying to push her away..
 I love her too much for that..
 but I am tired..
tired down deep in my bones..
I hurt and ache..
I'm lonely and miserable...

I yell and cuss at my kids ..
 keep cussing at them like they are worthless..
I think they might hurt by my death
but they are also hurting by how they are seeing me now..

I feel like this is the end of the road..
there is no more hope left...
there is no reason to hang on..
I'm so tired ..
so very tired...

it hurts inside and out and no one ..
 no one understands the terror inside me..
what do i do? what would you do..
come on people I know there are others out there with DID ..
this would Be the time to use your voice..
 help a fellow friend..
 I need help I really need help...,
talk to me please..
please
 please
You might just save a life...

TOGETHER ... I LOVE YOU

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